Confessions of a Country Girl

I have moved

2009-12-14T02:58:00.000-08:00

I have moved to here

I miss my Poppy Kean

2009-11-26T02:34:00.000-08:00

It's just not the same.

New Blog

2009-11-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

New Blog. Personal and all about me. Let me know if u wanna squiz.

Growing up Quickly

2009-11-22T18:40:00.000-08:00

I started this blog mostly to update my baby's milestones and special moments. I haven't updated properly in awhile, so here is what Emily has been up to lately.

Emily is growing sooooooo quickly. I don't mean the physical, as she is still quite small despite eating LIKE A HORSE! I mean the intellectual. The days of the cat-screech crying are gone. I just noticed this the other day when I heard a newborn cry at the shopping centre. That tiny little strained cry that used to fill my ears as I dragged myself out of bed, running into the wall as I went but too tired to care.

At nearly 6 months, the cry is coupled with vocal sounds, almost like words.

'Maaaaaaaaaaaaameeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! AAAAArrrrrrrrrrr,ummmmmmm, wahhhhhhhh!!! Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh, oooooooooooohhhh, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!'

(Come and get me mummy, I've been awake for an hour and I'm over being in the cot!)

Breastfeeding is also different. Now it's all about grabbing things and shoving them in her mouth. *OUCH*

I also can leave her on her own, kinda. She doesnt cry if I leave the room but when I come back she is on the other side of the room pulling something apart or chewing something she shouldn't be. She also loves to dance, and to bouncy bounce!

A few weeks ago she started laughing, like really laughing. She grins and says, 'Ha HA!'

The flying arms are a sign of excitement. Both arms go up in the air, then down, then up, then down like she is trying to fly away. This makes the bouncer bounce across the room.

Her face is also changing. Ahh it's all exciting!

Emily's first icecream!

A change is in the air

2009-11-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

It's time to change, its time to go.

Moving. Oh I'm sad.

Yet excited. A new start, house designing, finding a block of land, ohhh it will be fun!

But the memories of here will linger on.

Trying to upload some photos of our house but not happening...stupid computer.

Bouncy Bounce

2009-11-17T02:05:00.000-08:00

BOUNCE

BOUNCEY BOUNCE

BOUNCEY BOUNCEY BOUNCE

HI MUMMY!

BOUNCEY BOUNCE!

Busy Bee

2009-11-12T02:03:00.000-08:00

Emily's first trip to the pool, as you can see she didn't want to get out of the water!

Emily loves Daddy and Daddy loves her right back!

Emily's first prize she won on the Hungry Clowns at the show!

Emily's first freddo!

***

I've been so busy lately.

Not just busy, oh-my-god-I-dont-have-time-to-fart busy. Why does everything start to speed up as Christmas approaches?

Emily has stopped crawling. She crawled for a week then decided she would rather stand. So now I have to hold her with at least one hand while she stands and grins at me. She has also started to finally take a bottle after I invested in a Pigeon one. Best $10 I ever spent.

On the weekend we went to the Brighton show and Emily came Runner up in the Baby Quest. It wasn't first, but I was still very proud. It's only a bit of fun anyway! Some people don't like the Baby Quests/Showboy/Showgirl but I like to enter Jordon and Emily in them, if they win they get a nice sash which we can hang on the wall.

We have also been cleaning up the place as we are selling the house. It's going to be sad to leave but we will be better off. We will be able to pay the mortgage, car and also have enough to buy a block of land and own it outright. The house will be the only thing we will need to borrow money for. It will be so worth it, especially with me being qualified as an Art Teacher by 2011 we will both be bringing in the pay then. So we have good times ahead hopefully.

Busy, busy, busy!

Discovery

2009-10-19T03:03:00.000-07:00

I have discovered...

How to crawl, just haven't mastered it yet!

My bedroom floor...

My feet...

Baby Budget

2009-10-17T16:20:00.001-07:00

I'm adding a new segment to my blog. I would really like to help out other families by sharing money-saving tips. I would really like it if any money-saving tips be shared in return!

I'm going to post 'Baby Budget' weekly with each post of a different theme whether it be DIY, money saving, or money making when on a tight budget. I've lived off a tight budget for years now, and I believe it has made me a better person for it.

In the weeks to come I will be discussing;

*DIY presents

*clothes shopping on a budget

*DIY cheap meals

*Grocery shopping on a budget

*DIY Baby food

*Bill paying on a budget

and more ideas as I come to think of them. Please feel free to add any ideas of your own.

Growing Pains

2009-10-14T06:23:00.000-07:00

I stood back and looked on in disbelief. The laundry is empty. All the washing is done.

It is 12:23am and I just finished the housework. Well, most of the housework. I can't vacuum or clean the bedrooms as Nathan and Emily are asleep. When did I suddenly get so 'old' that I got excited as I stared at the empty laundry? Is my life now that boring? I actually did stand there with my hand on my hip and give myself a pat on the back. Well done Tanya, you solved the worlds problems by doing all of the washing. What a waste of time.

The last few weeks have flown by, there was a time when I would find it hard to find something to talk or write about, now my head is swirling with what I've done, and what I still have to do. This year has been a challenge, when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did and now I look back on it and feel a sense of pride at how we worked through it without losing our cool completely. I keep telling myself that next year will be better. I'll keep hoping.

Tomorrow the council are doing an inspection of the house for the certificates so I spent tonight cleaning. I literally had to wait until Emily went to bed at 9pm to start because today she just WOULD NOT STOP whining. The poor girl had sore gums I'm sure. She wanted to spend today attached to Mummy. Mummy wanted to spend the day with the doona over her head. I thought it was in my best interest to clean tonight because if she is the same tomorrow I would rather spend the majority of the day sitting with her while she frowns and grizzles, rather than try to clean the house while she frowns and grizzles.

This week Emily discovered grass. I sat on the grass and didn't realise it was wet, so walked around with a green patch on the backside of my jeans for the rest of the day. Apparently grass is the best thing since sliced bread! We can pick grass, and throw grass and feel the texture of the grass between our fingers. Emily loves it. I can't wait until she discovers sand!

'Oh yes, WHAT IS THIS STUFF!?'

I don't have a title.

2009-10-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

This week has been hard. I try to write but everything is one big yucky blur.

So dot points it is.

This week.........

The car was fixed, but had no rego. Now we have rego. Yay. A month out of rego is not a good thing... (stress)

The house is coming along. Finally.

Nathan's nan passed away. I felt awkward and sad. I don't really know what to do with someone elses grieving...just a lot of hugs I guess. (more stress)

We had to get someone to babysit Emily for the service on Tuesday as we weren't allowed to take her. (stress)

Mum and Dad stepped in. (more stress)

I knew it would be trouble when mum asked how to heat up a bottle. (stress)

I had to leave mum instructions which made us late. (stress)

I had to leave early from the service to get to work on time. (more stress)

There was no way I would have gotten to work on time. (stress)

Nathan wouldn't pick Emily up so I had to go. (Argument with Nathan)

I rang mum on the way home and Emily was screaming her head off and refusing the bottle. (stress)

I made a 15 minute trip to mum and dads in 6 minutes flat. (stress)

Emily was happily eating a banana when I got there. (relieved and slightly annoyed)

By this point I was an hour late for work and told I didn't need to come in. Too bad I didn't get the message though and was still rushing to get to work. (second argument with Nathan for the day)

I was so stressed on this particular day that I cried about 5 times.

The next day I took Emily and we went shopping with Belinda and Lucas.

That was a nice day.

Yesterday Nathan actually paid some bills, then we had a counter meal for dinner.

Today I got up at 4am to take Nathan to work as I wanted the car for the day.
so now it is 7:30am and Emily is sleeping on my lap as I make a plan of action for today!

I don't think dot points convey the way I felt this week. I felt like everything was climbing on top of me and weighing me down. It wasn't fun.

Roly Poly

2009-10-01T16:08:00.000-07:00

The first time Emily rolled over...Not too sure about it

Now she is a roly poly baby and rolls everywhere, even across the loungeroom.

We're encouraging her to crawl, but I think she is enjoying the rolling business.

In hope of a new and improved me, an "ITanya 2.0"

2009-09-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

On Friday I started a diet. Well, it's not really a diet, more of a 'lifestyle change in order to lose weight and get into shape'. I went to the fruit market and bought a heap of fruit and vegies. I then went to the supermarket and bought whole grain bread, yoghurt, cheese, ham, milk and a few other healthy items. I decided that if I'm going to eat healthy, Nathan won't mind joining in.

We don't eat that badly, but we could do better. I bought a lot of things I like but never get around to buying, like avacado. Yuuuummmmmm. I've been doing some research and combining that with what I know worked for me last time (until I got a job in a call centre...) and I have a plan.

10kg and 10cm, (around the waist) whichever comes first. A nice round number.

I read that liquids make you feel fuller than solids so I have been having a fruit salad smoothie every morning with yoghurt and grapefruit. (Grapefruit is meant to be one of the best foods to battle the bulge) For lunch I've been making a salad with every vegie I can think of plus a little cheese and a tiny bit of dressing. For Dinner is whatever Nathan wants and if it isn't healthy I just have a smaller portion.

Exercise comes naturally to me, I am really strong willed and don't mind a bit of strenous activity, but since Emily was born in Winter I look out the window and feel disheartened by the rain and wind. Of course it has been raining flat out, I think mother nature wants me to be fat.

I've been walking now for nearly 2 weeks between the rain. Every nice day we have had I have been walking. Unfortunately it has only been 4 times in the past 2 weeks, but it's a start and it's a loooooooooong walk. It takes me nearly 3 hours to do the walk, which starts at our house on the hill, down the hill, along our road (and over 3 cattle grates along the way) then along another road, along the highway past the shop and back again. The walking the pram back up the steep hill is a killer, it works every muscle in my body but it's worth it.

Emily enjoys the pram ride and watches me in amazement as I grunt and groan pushing her up the hill. Soon she will be coming with me which will give me some company because at the moment she sleeps most of the time.

I also take the dog who loves every sceond of it but wants to play with every other dog she sees.

So far, so good and I'm going to update on here how I go.

One of the reasons why I love being a mum

2009-09-26T07:02:00.000-07:00

Today I took Jordon and Emily to the Botanical Gardens

Blossom looking at a blossom

Our Picnic

Jordon and Emily!

2 Pink Lines

2009-09-23T12:04:00.000-07:00

*12 Months Ago*

My little HCG test the Doctor did.

At this time 12 months ago, I didn't even know I was pregnant. Well I had a feeling, but it wasn't 'official' yet.

I was very late but I thought it was to do with me stopping taking the pill so I wasn't really concerned. My couisn had a dream the day before that I was pregnant and wrote me a message to tell me about her dream. I rang her and told her how I was late and she suggested that I go to the doctor. I rang the doctor and made an appointment for the 24th. (Somehow they got me in the next day)

So this day 12 months ago, I went to work, left early and went to the doctor at 2pm. My cousin was waiting patiently for me to call her when I came out to let her know. I was going to buy my own wee test, but I figured that whether it was positive or negative I would sill need to go tot he doctor anyway. A missed period wasn't normal for me, actually I had never missed one.

I walked into the doctor's surgery and asked her for a medical certificate for the flu I had had for 3 weeks. She gave me a checkup and wrote me a certificate. I needed it for work as I had been at home for 3 days feeling like someone had run over me with a truck. (Now I know it wouldn't have been just a flu)

Just before I left the surgery, I told her I was very late and she asked me to give some urine so she could do a pregnancy test. I took the bottle to the toilet, thinking how embarrassed I would feel if I wasn't pregnant. Then wondered why I would have been so late, maybe it was the flu?

I brought her back the urine and she used a dropper to do a HCG test. She sat and talked to me while she waited for the test to show positive or negative. She then walked over to the test sitting on the table, picked it up and said,

'I think that's turning positive.'

I can't explain the feeling that came over me when she said that. Suddenly my stomach was in my mouth and I felt a rush of heat from my belly right up to my head.

'.........WHAT? Show me!' I choked out.

She passed me the test and I stared at it. She explained to me what the second line was, I wanted to tell her that I already knew but at the time it didn't matter. It was positive.

I sunk back into the seat, staring at it and she asked me if it was the result I had been hoping for. I managed a 'yes' and floated from the surgery to the reception, then to the car. Somehow I remembered to ask to keep the test. (It is now one of my prized posessions) I had a message on my phone from an impatient cousin who was obviously waiting by the phone for me to call.

I went to call her, then decided that Nathan was the first person I wanted to call so I called him instead. I told him I had something to tell him, and he asked, 'What' with a worried tone.

'I'm pregnant' I said quietly, waiting for his response.

'Cool!' he said.

Then I started to cry.

'What's wrong? Are you ok?' He said.

'Yeah. I-d-d-don't kn-know what's wrong. I'm ok.' I stuttered.

I was overwhelmed. I was excited and scared and relieved. I thought it would take a long time to fall pregnant and it only took a month. My mind was racing, I had so many things to think about.

I floated through the rest of the day, visiting my cousin who was excited and did the 'ring test' (which, by the way said GIRL) then going to Nathan's sister's house where he was working, (They had overheard the phone conversation so already knew) calling my brother and Nathan's other sister, then to his Dad's house for tea, where they were told and finally calling my parents to tell them. Everyone was excited and a little surprised.

The last place we stopped was at Nathan's mate's place to tell them the news. By this stage we both couldn't contain our excitement and were announcing the news with gusto.

When we came home I climbed into bed and lay there stroking my belly.

One of the happiest days of my life.

4 Baby Milestones

2009-09-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Emily rolled right over. I left her on her back, came back out to the loungeroom and she was on her tummy. I sqealed and ran over to her. Nathan had been asleep on the couch and woke up when I sqealed. I picked her up, cuddled her and said,

'Well done baby girl! You just rolled over!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Nathan, she just rolled onto her tummy!'

Nathan replied with a 'mmph' and went back to sleep.

I grabbed her dummy, put it in her mouth and laid her on her back to see if she would do it again. The dummy fell out of her mouth so she used her arm and leg moving back and forward until she had enough momentum to flip right onto her tummy. She then grabbed her dummy and shoved it in her mouth. I was astounded.

I grabbed my camera and placed her back on her back so I could film her doing it again, but she just went to sleep.

Last night I put Emily to bed at 9pm and left her in her cot awake. I climbed into bed and waited for the I'm-not-ready-for-bed-yet cry. It didn't happen. Nathan must have been waiting for the same thing, as he said, 'I can't believe she has gone to sleep.'

I got up to check on her and sure enough she had gone to sleep by herself.

This morning, Nathan got up for work at 3:45 so I asked him to check on Emily because she hadn't made a peep and I thought she would be wanting a feed soon. He checked her and then left for work. As soon as he stepped out the door, she woke up so I fed her in my bed, moved the pillows to the edge of the bed and snuggled down next to her.

I woke up to a tap-tap-tap on my arm. For a second I thought it was Nathan, then I realised that he had already left for work.

Tap-tap-tap.

Then a tap on my face which tickled so I opened my eyes. Emily was looking at me and tapping me with her hand! As soon as I opened my eyes she said, 'Goooooooooooooooo!' and kept tapping.

'Did you just wake me up purposely?'

'Ahhhhhhh!' She smiled.

Ok. I didn't know a 15 week old could do that. Apparently she can. She can roll right over onto her tummy to retrieve her dummy, then put it in her own mouth, she can fall asleep in her own bed without my help and she can wake me up when she is ready to get up. When did she stop being a tiny helpless baby and start taking control of her own needs?

I liked picking up her dummy. I liked watching her roll onto her side, get stuck then want me to help her. I liked feeding her and rocking her to sleep. I liked getting up before her.

At least I know she is developing properly?

The Stupid things we do

2009-09-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

Going for a 4km walk when Emily and I both have a cold? Not a great idea. The weather wasn't bad, but after we got home I started to get the shakes and got a killer of a headache. As Emily is sick, she wanted to cling to me and is currently on my lap asleep. For a baby a cold must be so horrible, she has been looking at me with sad eyes all day and has wanted a lot of cuddles. When you're the adult, you just suck it up and deal with it.

What I really want to do is snuggle up on the couch in my pyjamas, blanket and a good book. I'm seriously consdiering that if Emily stays asleep, which I could almost guarantee she wont.

Last night my nose ran, and ran, and ran and in between blowing it Emily was up and downa nd only sleeping an hour at a time.

But it doesnt matter, you know why? Because life could be so much worse. With all the things that have happened lately, a cold only seems like an inconvenience. We have had good news on the car, and everything in general seems to be looking up.

So while I suffer through my cold and a clingy, snotty baby, I'm thankful.

Our house is so far away in this pic that you cant actually see it. I thought I would be able to. I took this at the bottom of our road, as I was walking down.

The bridge, there is actually water in the creek. A part of me wants to make a raft and get my bathers on and float downstream to see what I can see.

Look who just had to lay there and enjoy the ride? This is her first 'walk' in the pram apart from the supermarket etc. I plan to do this walk often, if my legs recover.

Here is the killer. The steep hill. That peak at the top is our roof. I do admit though that we have a lovely view, its just hard to push a pram up there.

Money is overrated

2009-09-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

Every time I start to type, I can't find the words. The keys are sitting there in front of me, but stringing a sentence together seems so hard at the moment.

I've always believed in karma, but I don't understand this string of bad luck Nathan and I seem to be having. Whenever things start to work out, something else goes wrong. We finally got our fibnances sorted out, and the car has broken down. It's going to cost over $2500 for the parts to fix it, and we just dont have that sort of money. I've racked my brains as to how we can come up with it.

Sell some stuff? Sell my body? Sell a kidney?

I dunno.

There are so many people worse off than us, but the truth is that no matter how happy you are, you still need money. It's stressful to live on a tight budget, although I have learnt a lot of ways to save money.

Hell, I could write a book on living off a budget.

Did you know that Big W sells baby products in bulk which work out cheaper than anywhere else? Did you know thaty if you have a concession card you can get your purchases for cheaper at the Op shop on Tuesdays? Did you notice that I'm not afraid to admit that I love Op shopping? Did you know that buying meat directly from a farmer is the cheapest way to eat meat? Did you know that you can get the recipe for most takeaway meals on the internet, including the 11 secret herbs and spices? Did you know there are thousands of ways to eat rice and potatoes?

Living cheaply isn't news to me. I've never had money to spare. One thing I always wanted was to buy one of those huge boxes of chocolates from Cadburys (You know the ones with all the imperfect chocolates?) A few days ago I finally got to buy one. I have these visions of sitting and eating the entire box until I made myself sick.

In reality after 5 or so chocolates I do make myself sick so I guess they will last awhile.

In other news, Emily is teething. At 14 weeks. She chews on everything, including my hands, hair and clothes. We have given her a dummy (even after I swore against it) and she holds it and chews for hours.

With the teething comes the dribbling.

I wish she was crawling already so that I could attach a mop to her and she could crawl around cleaning the floor, dribbling, then mopping, dribbling, then mopping.

I want your boobies!

2009-09-10T05:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight I filled in someone's shift at the shop. I had to drive the van we borrowed there. It is literally like driving an army tank. It has little steering and you just have to guess where the gears are. But it gets you from A to B, right? I saw our Falcon up on the mechanical hoist. I gave it a wave but it didn't wave back. It is probably under anesthetic while it is being operated on.

It should be ready to come home tomorrow night. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

When I got home I was so eager to see Emily. I raced inside, said hi to Nath and wandered into the bedroom. Nath told me that she had been really good and he hadn't heard a peep out of her. Emily was propped up on a pillow watching the Simpsons. I jumped on the bed and gave her a cuddle. She grinned back at me, then proceeded to cry. She wanted to be fed.

She didn't miss me, she missed my boobies.

Is that a compliment?

The things we need

2009-09-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

It is 5am. Nathan has just arrived at work right now and I am wide awake. This morning I got up with him and made him a coffee. I should do it more often, it's so peaceful in the morning.

I can only hear the sound of the trucks on the the highway and every now and then a contented sigh from Emily.

I decide to tidy up, then make a list of things I need to do. My stress is doing my head in.

Yesterday Nathan came home at 5pm. I was a little annoyed because he said he would be home early and I knew he had dropped a mate off from work. As he walked in the door he got that look upon his face. You know the one just before someone opens their mouth to tell you bad news?

Before he could say anything, I looked at him and said,

'What's wrong?'

'The car. I need you to call a towtruck.'

'Oh no.'

The car had something wrong with either the Dif or the Tailshaft. I don't know enough about cars to really understand what is wrong with it, but I get the idea that something in the back has fallen apart.

Living in the country makes this one of the worst things to go wrong. There are no buses around here and we don't have a second car. This means that I can't go anywhere with Emily. I had so many things I wanted to do in the next few weeks, including catching up with friends, and now I don't think I will be able to go. Just typical. This could have happened when Emily was a few weeks old and we wanted to stay at home.

So while I am stuck at home I'm going to get stuck into the things I have left up until now.

That includes cleaning under the bed.

*Shudder.*

P-P-P-Pumpkin Face P-P-Pumpkin Face!!!

2009-09-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

I have never seen Emily get so excited. Her hands shook, she sqealed in delight and grabbed at me and the spoon. All over pumpkin.

YUM! PUMPKIN!!!

See the fist?

Hell Yeah!

More?

After it was finished she had a tantrum.

She WANTED.MORE.NOW!

She stole the spoon off me!

On the Drunk

2009-09-07T04:15:00.000-07:00

First time in town in nearly 2 years...

Started with Tacos Restaurant and Fishbowl Margaritas for Jess's 21st...then to Montgomery's for Karaoke! (Ooh drunk singing...shame!) Then to Curly's Bar for Drinks and Dancing.

I wanted to feel young again, to feel like a 'normal' 22 year old. (Partying, drinking, being stupid and irresponsible, working full time yet still living with parents...according to the experts)

I can now share that once you've had a baby, you cant go back to that. nothing feels normal or the same. I really enjoyed myself, but I did call Nathan 20+ times to check on Emily before 11pm. I also did shed a few tears at 3am because I missed her. Oh how I missed her. She is a part of me after all.

I saw so many people I knew but I don't really think it counts when you are drunk because you don't remember a lot of the conversation the next morning. Someone did come up to me and tell me that she has seen photos of Emily on facebook and how beautiful she is! That may have started the tears...

You can always tell the drunken photos from the sober ones...and this is before 11pm. Oh dear.

Group shot minus the birthday girl

Happy! The birthday girl plus me and Keryn.

We got home at 6am. 6AM!!! I groaned when I came into the driveway because I knew Emily usually got up around 6am or 7am. When I got inside Nathan and Emily were cuddled up in bed. I put Emily in her cot and climbed into bed. 2 hours later Nathan got up and I woke up to the hangover from hell. I had to start work at 1pm. I rang to try to have someone fill in my shift but couldn't get anyone. I was shaking and just wanted to climb back into bed!

I gave Nathan his father's Day present as Jordon was at his mum's and Emily was still in bed. Nathan explained that Emily was in bed because she had been up all night, she wouldn't take a bottle, she wanted a BOOB. I felt horrible but a part of me was glad that Nathan knew what it was like to have to sit up with a crying baby. I had to express to ease the pressure building up and get rid of the milk that could be tainted with alcohol.

Then I went to work.

I got through it ok with a lot of powerade for hydration and I was glad for it to be busy to take my mind off my headache.

All in all it was a great night even though I did miss Emily terribly.

Another Year Down

2009-09-07T03:57:00.000-07:00

On Thursday it was my birthday.

I woke up at 7am to a hungry Emily and climbed into bed with her to feed. It was quiet. It was lonely. Nathan had left hours ago to go to work. I moved the pillows so I could tuck Emily in bed next to me and hopefully snooze a few more hours.

Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring...

I picked up my mobile and answered it.

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY!' Nathan cheerfully shouted at me.

'Thankyou!' I smiled.

I got up as Emily drifted off to sleep. It was still so quiet and it made me wonder what the concept of birthday was for an adult, especially now that I am 22 and am a parent. Did I expect balloons and glitter to fall from the sky? Last year was a stark contrast being my 21st birthday. Emily was also conceived on this day according to my ovulation charting and my doctor's calculations. Turning 21 was fantastic, it was exciting. I had a huge party on the weekend.

Turning 22, well it was just, 22.

Mum and Dad came to visit, and we spent most of the time playing with Emily.

Nathan came home with a bunch of flowers and I got a special card and present from Emily, my first card with 'Mummy' written on it and a brooch with 'Mother' and a poem on it.

We went out for tea and poor Emily was starving hungry and very unsettled so I spent most of the time trying to settle her. She literally screamed the whole time. I enjoyed seeing my friends and family, but it wasn't a relaxing time for me.

I guessed this was how it would be from now on. Just another year down.

Time For Food

2009-08-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

I got sick of the different opinions on when to introduce food to your baby. Much like the rest of motherhood, you cant get a straight answer. Everyone has their own opinion, and I was sick of asking and being lectured.

Nathan's sister Emma gave me the best advice, to introduce food when your baby doesn't seem settled and wont be satisfied with just milk.

The past 2 weeks Emily has been a handful. Remember when she was sleeping 8 hours a night? Not no more. Up every 4 hours for a feed. During the day she used to feed a lot in the morning and a lot ot night. Lately she had been feeding every hour and a half. I really had had enough. Everytime we went somewhere it was hell because she would scream her head off from hunger and I would have to stop what I was doing to feed her.

I told Nathan that I was going to try her on some food and he agreed. So 2 days ago we got some baby custard with pureed apple which was recommended for infants from 4 months (Emily is 3 months and one week) and I mixed it with boiled water, a little Farrex and we tried to give it to her with a spoon.

The first mouthful she looked at us strangely, tasted it, then opened her mouth for more. We fed her in the morning, and at night and have done so since. Along with breastfeeds she has been a very happy and content baby, has been sleeping through the night again (Yay!) and cooing when she is awake.

Emily's first tase of food!

Yummy! More Please!

This Weekend

2009-08-29T05:25:00.000-07:00

Food, Fathers Day and Farts

2009-08-28T03:39:00.000-07:00

I'm making a fathers day card this year for Nathan. After 50 attempts, here is the final image for the front:
It was impossible to get 2 smiles at once.

Remember when I was wondering when to start Emily on something other than milk? I think the time has come. She has been feeding like a trooper and I have found myself breastfeeding anywhere and everywhere. Being the breastfeeding master that I am, this isn't a hard task for me, although it is annoying. I seem to be dropping everything to feed at least every 2 hours during the day.

Jordon is staying with us and today we both had more than enough of Emily's demands to be fed. On top of her normal feeds today I tried her on formula mixed with rice cereal and boiled water, a tiny bit of watered down homemade soup and a tiny bit of watered down yoghurt. As I type this, I am feeding Emily yet again and she has an iron grip on my hand so I cannot move from the computer.

I've decided to introduce tiny amounts of different foods heavily watered down until Emily is 5 months old, then start to introduce solids. I want to introduce food slowly.

Since Emily has stopped pooing everyday, she does a lot of stinky farts. I'm forever checking her nappy for a present. She thinks they are funny and will sit there giggling while she makes popping noises from the other end. She thinks me screwing up my face is even funnier.

After having Jordon and Emily for the whole day today, I'm exhausted. I think it's harder to go from 0 to 2 children very quickly, I guess if it was all the time it would be easier. I'm not used to Jordon following me around while Emily naps and then slamming the door and waking her up.

He did fetch me things while I was feeding Emily though, that was handy.

The Day From Hell, version 2.0

2009-08-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

Lately I seem to be having a string of bad days, but yesterday would have to have been the worst. I'm sick of saying 'I've had ENOUGH.'

Emily woke bright and early at 7:30. In this story, she is not the problem. She never is. I got up as we had a lot to do this day. After making myself a coffee, I dressed Emily and was going to have a shower then we would head down to the shopping centre, then to get Emily's hand and feet castings for her 'Twinkle Toes' sculptures. I had to get some photos printed on the way so the Lady who does the castings could help me pick one to get framed alongside the sculptures.

Just as I went to turn the shower on, the power went out. I then remembered that that was our emergency power (we are on pay as you go) and there was nothing left, and I had no money. I jumped out the shower, saying, 'No, no, NO!' Then wandered around the loungeroom in the dark as I hadn't opened the blinds yet, saying 'Shit, shit, SHIT!' Emily slept through my cursing. I had exactly enough petrol to get to the supermarket, then to get Emily's castings done, (which was on the way back) so after calling Nathans sister she offered to lend me some money to get power. I also needed to get photographs off the computer to print. No power means no computer.

I looked around for the Aurora card and after stripping the whole house, decided that it was missing. I rang Nathans sister back and she suggested calling them to get a replacement power card. When I rang Aurora, they wouldn't issue me a new card as I wasn't the account holder, Nathan was. I explained to the man that I had no power and a 12 week old baby, but he told me it was against their policy to issue a card to a stranger. I wanted to explain to him EXACTLY how intimately I knew Nathan seeing as though we have a baby together, but I decidedagainst it and thanked him for his help. I searched around and found a disk with some of the photos I wanted on it and decided they would have to do. I used baby wipes to wash myself, (You know the saying, feet, face and fanny...except I also do armpits) then dressed and headed down the road.

When we got there I went straight in to print my photographs at the chemist. I walked in and saw that the digital machine was out of order. (By then I knew I was going to have one hell of a bad day.) I had rung the day before to check that I could definately get photos developed there at the chemist and was told I could. I even asked if the machine was really broken just incase this was some cruel prank on me. I couldn't believe it, I really needed these photos and now I had an hour and a half of time to fill in before I had to take Emily to get her castings done.

I decided to go down the road to Centrelink to sort out my payments because they have decided to cut off my parentng payment because I hadnt taken Nathans identification to them as proof of who he is. (*sigh*) Last week they sent me a bill because they thought I wasn't entitled to payments. It's not like I am a parent or anything. I thought that would have to take at least an hour so Emily and I could sit in there in the warmth and wait rather than the car. When I went to the counter with Emily in my arm, the lovely lady decided to process my request right there and then to get me on my way. So that only took 5 minutes.

I decided to head back up to the supermarket to fill in time and ran into Kim who I told about my bad day and she told me to just turn around, buy an icecream and head home. Thanks Kim, I should have taken that advice right then.

After looking at the chemist, newsagency and other shops, (and picking out birthday, christmas and new baby presents for the next 2 years) I went back out to the car to feed Emily as there was no changearea or feeding room. It was pouring with rain so I climbed into the front of the car with her and fed her until she fell asleep. I find it a lot more comfortable and private to feed in the warm car and its a lot easier to place Emily in the carseat afterwards. Then it was time to head off so I drove to the Lady's house who does the castings.

On the way there the meter (that tells me how much petrol is in the car,) hit '0'. I hoped and prayed that we could get home. It would top off my bad day to become stranded.

I was half an hour early, but she decided to fit us in as her appointment before Emily had called to say they would be late. They pulled in the driveway just as we finished. Halfway through the second hand Emily decided to start screaming, and no matter what I did she wouldn't stop. She isn't usually a big crier but she screamed, cried and kicked for the second hand and both feet. I had to hold her still while her casts were being done. She ended up having to have 6 casts because she wriggled so much and 2 had to go in the bin. I was a little embarrassed and wondered why she had done that? If we had been at home she would have been happy for the whole day.

After that I headed up to my sister in laws and Emily and I visited her and her little girl. She rang Nathan for me, who was down the road at a mates house. I headed down there and we stayed there until 7pm when Nathan got paid. The boys were playing the playstation and Emily was snoozing by the fire so I was extremely bored. I then had to do a trip to the shop to get petrol, (I had been driving around since 12pm on '0' petrol) then a trip down the road to get dinner and power.

We ended up getting a full tank of petrol and $100 power so we are on top of things, because yesterday? That sucked. Not having any money is bad. B.A.D

Today, however was fantastic. We did the groceries together, I took Emily to get her ultrasound done on her hip, (it was good news, she doesnt have a dicky hip joint after all, it's perfect) and Emily was an angel for the sonographer. I also got to pick up Jordon.

Now maybe it is time for that icecream.

100th post

2009-08-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

The last post I wrote was my 100th. I checked back to have a look at my very first post and it was the story of how I became pregnant. I think the 100th post being Emily's 12 weeks old caps off nicely what this blog is about. It's about me and my family, but mostly Emily. She definately has been a lifechanging experience.

Happy 12 weeks old Mem

2009-08-23T05:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Emily,

Today you are 12 weeks old. That's 3 months. A quarterof a year!!! I didn't give you a present, but you sure gave me one. See, lately you have been only pooing every 3 days and when you do, it is DISGUSTING. Pumpkin soup poos? Not no more. Yuck. *Shudder.*

So I figured that since it was the third day today, you would do a poo for Daddy while I was at work. Unfortunately, I didn't have to work so I came home and Daddy went out for a little while. While he was gone, yep...you guessed it! You did a huge stinker of a shite. Thanks.

After cleaning you up and singing a song to you, I fed you and placed you in your bouncer. An hour later, you started to cry. I wasn't sure why...until I picked you up. Your back was wet and when I turned you around, your back was yellow. So was the bouncer. I undid your clothing to change you and it was EVERYWHERE. The smell whacked me in the face like a poo-bat and I dry reached. I stripped your nappy, clothes and cleaned you up with wipes and a face washer. I then decided that I had to give you a bath. You laughed at me the whole time, until you got into the bath.

You thought the bath was heaven and you kicked around while I washed you and your mass of hair. Once you got out of the bath I dressed you in your pyjamas and you have been sleeping and feeding on and off since. I cant believe Daddy dodged changing a pooey nappy YET AGAIN. Next time, please poo on him, in his lap. (Just joking, but it would be funny!)

I have been doing your hair up in piggytails lately, it's so long it hangs in your eyes. You don't mind wearing it up at all. I've also been dressing you in proper clothes rather than growsuits. You like to taste food and chew on teething rings, your hands and my hair. You really like icecream, cheesecake and pasta sauce. You don't like tomato sauce. You are really interested in food so in a few weeks I'm going to start adding a tiny bit of formula to your diet, followed by a tiny bit of baby cereal with breastmilk and eventually pureed foods hopefully by 6 months.

You like to talk a lot, babbles of course. One day you said 'Mimma' which sorta means milk in Finnish. Nanna was proud. Your favourite word is ah-grrrr. Not sure what it means but you say it when your happy. The happier you are, the longer the word. Ah-grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

You are such a happy baby, and you sleep from 10pm unti 6am every night. You have done this since 8 weeks old. Usually in the morning you wake up, have a feed and snuggle with me in bed for a few hours while I snooze or sometimes we sit and talk and then I change your nappy and we get up for the day.

Your favourite things to do include watching TV, especially 'The Fairies', I'm really sick of the DVD's we have but it keeps you occupied while I do some housework. You also love when I nom nom nom! on your hands and cheek. You giggle everytime I come near you! Your favourite toy to play with so far is a Wiinie The Pooh teething ring, and your piglet soft toy.

I know you don't have favourites, but nothing makes you smile more than seeing your Daddy coem into the room. You and Daddy spend a lot of time laughign and babbling together and it's really cute. You like to feel his stubble on his chin and grab at his hair.

Next week we are going to get your hands and feet sculptures and you are going to be photographed. It's going to cost me a fortune but I think it's worth it, you are growing too quickly!

Happy 12 weeks baby girl!

There aren't fairies at the bottom of our garden...

2009-08-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

Kangaroo laying in the grass in our paddock. He is right near a rabbit warren and the rabbit is too scared to go near him so he is trying to sneak past, darting back and firth. Pretty funny!

Dancing to get to sleep

2009-08-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Last night we went out for dinner for my sister in laws birthday. I was really looking forward to it, but now that Emily has come along it is a lot harder going anywhere. She decided she was hungry and didn't like all the noise so she cried even when I was feeding her. She didn't want to eat, just protest about the noise. Nathan took her to the car to change her and the for a drive to calm her down and by the time he had done that everyone had finished their dinner and left.

*sigh*

AND somebody ate half of my meal while I was in the loo!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I gave up on the exercise DVD I had been doing and decided just to play some good music and dance around with Emily. She has taken to going to bed at 10pm and waking at 6am and hardly napping during the day. This means that I dont seem to get anything done unless I am holding her or doing it near her bouncer. (Rocking the bouncer with my foot while I fold the washing, stack the dishwasher etc) So yesterday I danced with her, in front of her and sang to her and eventually Emily fell asleep.

This lasted for about 20 minutes.

Right now she is asleep on my boob but I know when I get up she will wake.

I have to go and express some milk as I am working today for 7 hours. Emily has formula, but I would rather see if I can get away with her just having breastmilk. The constipation nearly brought me to tears last time. So I'm off to milk myself like a Jersey cow, then it's off to work I go.

Is it strange that I enjoy going???

growing tolerant

2009-08-21T04:05:00.000-07:00

This is a case of deja vu. I remembering feeling like this when I was pregnant. So frustrated that I got frustrated at myself. Having to venture out into the world is a necessity, but a real pain in the arse. I had to go out again today which meant I had to drop Nathan off at work at 4:45am. This wouldn't have been a problem except last night I just could not sleep. I surfed the internet until 1am whereas Nathan and Emily both went to sleep at 7:30. So guess who woke at 5am for a feed and decided it was morning?

Today I had zero patience. When I went to the post office to post a framed portrait I drew, it didn't fit in the post pack. I tried to force it, but it wouldn't go. So I unwrapped it and squeezed it in. The lady at the counter told me it would probably get smashed so she placed cardboard on each side of the frame and put it in a larger satchel. Emily decided to cry the whole time, and I felt the glares upon me of other customers. I got the urge to tell them all to get fucked and grow up but I just smiled politely. Right now they could wait. IO thanked the lady at the counter for her help and pushed the pram out the door, aiming for anyone who was in the way.

Having a baby seems to have changed my tolerance. Before pregnancy I didn't have a lot of tolerance but I also didn't stick up for myself. Whilst pregnant I gained confidence in asking for what I wanted and not tolerating people's bullshit. Now I seem to have the patience of a saint.

The little things don't matter anymore.

One Perfect Moment

2009-08-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

Pffffft.

Pffffffffffffffffff. Pffffffffffffffffffffffft.

'EMILY! Yuck! That stinks!'

I opened up the nappy to find nothing but wee. It was just a fart.

'You take after your daddy little miss!'

I took her over to her bouncer and sat her down. I finished cooking and Emily fell asleep as Nathan folded the clothes and tidied up. He then climbed on the couch and fell asleep himself.

I looked from Emily to Nathan and decided that while they were sleeping I would finish cleaning the house. I had made biscuits, lamingtons, cupcakes and chow mein and the kitchen looked like a bomb site.

I picked up the pile of washing Nathan folded and took it to the wardrobe. Nathan can fold washing really well but he places everything in one pile that I have to sort through anyway.

I smiled as I unstacked the pile and a warm feeling came over me. This was one of those moments. My mum talks about them, the moment makes your whole day. It's one of those times in yor life when, just for a second everything is perfect.

When something is wrong

2009-08-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong, and nobody understands.

Everyone says 'Oh its just having a new baby, it will get easier.'

It's NOT to do with Emily. She couldn't be an easier baby. She is healthy and happy 99% of the time, she feeds a lot, sleeps from 10 am til 6 or 7am and she only really gets upset if she has a tummy ache.

No, it's not her at all.

It's me and Nathan. It's money. It's work. It's bills. It's friends and drinking, and not drinking.

I just summed it up in a few words but it is so much more than that. It's a continuous circle or mood swings, arguments over money, the car, going out, working, looking after Emily.

This wasn't there before.

The chain of events began with Nathan losing his job when Emily was born, we had no income for 6 weeks. When he got a new job, the hours were stupid. He now has to get up at 3:30am every morning except Sunday to leave for work. He tries to spend time with his friends and keep his social life, but they get home at 5 or 6pm so he stays out with them. Sometimes I dont see him all day until he comes home to bed. He started to completely neglect us.

Last night was the last straw and I left. I took Emily and stayed with my sister in law. I didn't speak to him until tonight, I came home and talked to him and explained how I felt and what I wanted to change.

So now I'm back at home and he has been loevly to me, but I am on edge, feeling like things wont change. I cant live with someone who I never see. He's too nice and tries to spread himself around when sometimes all I need is a hug from him.

It used to be so different, we used to both go out and about, both drink or take turns in driving. Now we cant afford to do anything and everything we planned to do when Emily was born has gone out the window.

I'm gonna tread carefully for the next few days, because I really do not want to leave.

Bills and Pigtails

2009-08-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Today I've had a productive day. I had all of the housework done at 11, the washing is now finished and I just need to hang it out. I even vacuumed. *Shudder* I LOATHE vacuuming.

Emily was a little upset so I played with her for awhile, for some reason she hasn't had a poo in 3 days. I'm starting to get worried. I've given her some brown sugar in water and some infants friend but still we have nothing, not even a sign of poo. I know when it finally happens we are going to have a big explosion! Poor little girl has a tummy ache though. I didn't think babies got constipated on breastmilk?

The bills seem to be getting on top of us and holding us down, we are really squished now! I'm so stressed but I'm trying to stay positive. Other people have a rediculous amount of bills, right? RIGHT? It's not just us? I've taken a casual job and the hours are good as Nathan is home from work and he and Emily can have some time together. Last week when I worked I came home and Emily was fed, bathed and in her PJ's. It was lovely. (She has size 000 Pyjamas!)

Here is what Emily copped from me today:

I laughed so much that she started to give me funny looks!

The Pooh Bear Gang

2009-08-10T03:04:00.001-07:00

Chillin' with Mah' Crew
Me and Mah' Crew

Chattin' with Mah' Crew

Graduation!!!

2009-08-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

oh so tired....not so glamorous. mum has better photos than these!

YAY Graduation!

Yesterday morning I woke up exhausted. That isn't like me, as I usually have so much energy and Emily has been a great sleeper of late. Nathan had gone to work at 3:30 so I cleaned the house, did a load of washing and made a list of things to do.

I found the thermos I would need to keep boiling water in the heat Emily's bottle. (Incase she was hungry while I was in the ceremony) Someone had left coffee in it and when I opened the lid it was sticky and mouldy. YUCK. so I scrubbed it, cursing at how men forget the basic things sometimes.

I packed Emily's bag complete with formula, breastmilk, a thermos of boiling water, a bottle and something to sit it in to warm. I also packed her a dummy and at the last minute, a pillow.

I rang Nathan to ask how far away he was. He told me that he was asked to work until 5. I panicked and asked him how the hell was I meant to get there? Then he laughed and told me he was joking and to stop stressing about today. After I got over my heart attack I rang mum to tell her what Nathan had just done and she had a giggle.

I got myself ready and as Nathan came home I logged into my student account on the University website and double checked the times and places to go. Just before we left I noticed I had a hole in my top, but didn't have time to change. I noticed Nathan had a shower, a shave and wore a shirt even though he had protested about going to the 'Yuppy' function.

We left at 12:50 and drove to the Uni. when we arrived I took Emily in the pram and Nathan headed off to the casino. That way he would be out of my hair while I had my gown fitting and rehearsal. Mum and Dad met me at the main entrance as it started to rain.

We went inside and I asked the lady at the desk where I went to get my gown. She ran downstairs and grabbed someone then ushered me into a little room. They went to fnd my name on the list but couldn't fnd it. Then they asked me what time I was graduating. They had thought that I was graduating at the 3pm ceremony and as it was 2:45 they were panicking.

I apologised for worrying them and hired my gown. I didn't need to put it on until 4pm so we left it in mum and dads car and I sat in there and breastfed Emily as there was nowhere to sit inside the door and the other bildings were closed. Mum and Dad played with Emily for a little while, then I changed her nappy and we left the car and went back inside.

At 3:45 I rang Nathan and he said 'I'M COMING!!!' I then went to the loo and we stood in the foyer, waiting for Nathan. Mum, Dad, Emily and Nathan went in one door while I headed towards the other one. After being dressed and pinned I went in the other door. Everyone had their own seat with a card to take to the Dean who would read your name and degree. They explained this to us before the ceremony started.

Basically, stand for the anthem, sit for the speakers, then stand when your row was called and line up, give your card to the Sub-Dean, when your name is read, walk along the carpet, tilt your hat to the Chancellor, shake his hand and go collect your certificate from the Dean.

When the academic staff entered, I got the giggles because it looked like something from Harry Potter with them dressed in their robes!

When I went to get my certificate I kept my head mostly down because my hat felt like it was going to slide off. The certificate wasn't even paper, it was like a plastic coated thing.

The ceremony went really quickly and wasn't too boring until the last speaker got up just before the end. She spoke for 20 minutes about philosophical crap and as we were facing the audience I could see the boredom on everyones faces, especially Nathan. He picked Emily up and started to play with her.

Afterwards we had photos and I returned my gown. I got to keep the hat!

Today's the Day

2009-08-07T11:35:00.001-07:00

Today is the big day. Today I graduate from Uni.

Where The Hair Came From...

2009-08-04T03:37:00.000-07:00

Nathan as a baby and Emily as a baby

Me and You, Babe

2009-08-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing, Emily is asleep on a tri-pillow on my lap. She looks so comfortable and warm. Today, like most other days it's just me and her. Daddy is at work, he will be home around lunchtime and Jordon is at his mummy's house. This is bonding time for me and my little girl because when Daddy comes home, he will spend most of the time with her.

It's quiet here this morning and I can hear the trucks on the highway in the distance. As they come down the hill, the engine brakes are used and the noise echoes all the way up to our house. On a clear day it sounds as though someone has pulled in the driveway, which drives me crazy.

There is a cup of coffee in front of me but apart from that the house is spotless. That was yesterday's effort. Might as well keep in clean while I can because once this rascal is old enough to crawl and walk she will be into everything. (She is already one of those babies who has to sit up and look around so we have her bouncer so she can see us, the tv and the fishtank)

Without going outside I already know that the dog is waiting to be fed, and the rabbit has eaten the grass he can reach all the way down to the dirt. We have to move his cage once a day as he eats all the grass and weeds until there is nothing. The washing is also still on the clothesline.

There is also a pile of dog poo I raked up but didn't really feel like picking up (YUCK) and there are some drawings I should be doing...

(I decided as a hobby to draw portraits for people for a small fee and I got a fair few orders. I'm still too modest to say it's a 'business' type situation, but eventually it might be. Maybe I could make enough money to stay at home permanently while I finish my second Uni degree? Maybe...)

When I was pregnant I wore myself out because I was nesting badly, but now, I don't really want to do anything. Spending time with Emily is fulfilling enough, she is my whole world.

Ungrateful

2009-08-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

My friend Hayley had a baby girl on friday and I rang her yesterday to see how everything went. She was ecstatic, the labour was only 4 hours long and she handled it really well. I just got to see the first photos on facebook! Her little girl's name is Elissabeth. I'm really happy for her, but something is bothering me.

I still can't seem to get over Emily's birth. I know I'm hard on myself, but I seem to be regretting things more and more each day. I think I'm ok, then I hear about someone elses birthing story and it all comes flooding back. I layed in bed yesterday watching Emily sleep and shedding a few tears as I remembered each part of the labour in my head.

The first 7 hours were fine, I was in pain but I was handling it. I had gas and hot showers and even at 9cm I was still thinking 'This isn't so bad'. The midwives suggested an epidural and I was taken into the room next door to have it. Once it took effect I was happy and they told me I could start pushing soon. Up to that point I'm pretty proud of myself.

Then I started to feel the pain again, the epidural wore off and I started to scream. I had had the luxury of about 45 minutes without any pain and to have it back that full on was a big shock, it was like someone was sawing my leg off.

The contractions were ok, but there was a bad pain in my back which I screamed out for something to help. It was worse than the contractions and by this time I was at the pushing stage but these back pains caused me to curl up and scream instead of pushing. I remember everyone in the room taking turns to talk to me, one more push, one more push, but after 2 big pushes it seemed hopeless to me.

I was then taken quickly upstairs for a spinal block, Emily wasn't stressing but they didn't want to leave it any longer incase she started to. Once that had taken effect (which seemed like forever) The doctors told me to push even though I couldn't feel it and as I pushed they pulled her out with forceps. (After an episiotomy)

I didn't even know she had made an entrance until she was placed on my chest, and I was confused for a second, before I remembered what we had been there for. AND she was a girl, I think the next hour or so I spent feeding her and being stitched and having photos taken by Nathan in my mind I was saying, It's a girl! It's a girl!

I didn't think about labour again until that night when everyone went home. Why did I accept the epidural? Why did I have that backpain? Why didn't I just push her out? Was there something wrong with me? Then I also felt embarrassed as I remembered the midwives and Nathan trying to tell me to push and me refusing to the point where I would sit still through a contraction so they didn't know I was having one. At the time I thought I was outsmarting them so I didn't have to push, but really they were monitoring me anyway and knew exactly when they were coming.

The second night in hospital I started to cry, once it started it didn't stop. A midwife asked me what was wrong and when I explained to her, she sat down and told me her own birthing story, which was very similar except she had twins. She said she felt stupid because she was a midwife and should hae been able to birth easily, and blamed herself afterwards. It made me feel better to hear, but I still felt confused. I think the worst part was that it took days to remember the chain of events during labour because my mind blocked it out and everything was a blur.

One of the midwives who was there for the birth came into my room to talk to me as she had heard how I felt. (From the first midwife I'm guessing) She explained that Emily was pushing on a nerve in my back and that's why I had pain all through my back. She explained that I couldn't really get up as I had had the epidural and since I couldn't push I was taken to theatre. It was no ones fault, and she said I did a good job as I only had the trouble right at the end and a lot of women start to not be able to handle the pain from the very beginning.

It did help, but I still am not dealing with it. I thought it was post natal depression at first, but I am happy about EVERYTHING else, I love Emily to pieces and things are easier at home than I thought they would be. This is just a little niggly feeling in the back of my mind. I wish I could have pushed her out myself, and I regret having the epidural.

I'm scared this regret will never pass. I feel so ungrateful for the healthy, happy little girl we have been blessed with. Emily really truly is a perfect baby, she sleeps a lot and when she is awake if I'm not playing with her she is happy to play with someone else, look at her toys or the fishtank or the tv. She will happily sit and talk to her teddies in baby language for ages. For this beautiful girl I am truly thankful, so why am I still this upset over something so insignificant?

2 children? ummmmm....no!

2009-08-01T02:00:00.000-07:00

(Jordon) Tanya?
(Me) What
(Jordon) Can I have a drink?
(Me) Yep

Grabs a drink of water

(Emily) WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Waaaa ah ah ah ah!!!!
(Me) Hang on Emily. Are you hungry?

Sits down to feed Emily.

(Jordon) I'm hungry Tanya! Whens Tea?
(Me) When I get to cook it
(Jordon) Can you look up about Santa on the internet?
(Me) Yep

Put Emily down, load up the computer, show Jordon Santa Claus Land which is a real place in Finland, a theme park and post office for Santas letters. He looks at the photos and I have to convince him its real cause he doesnt believe it. (My mum hails from Finland, she has been there) Its a real theme park, a pretty cool idea.
Jordon is satisfied, then Emily starts to cry

(Emily) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(Me) Whats wrong baby?

Pick Emily up and she decides she is hungry again. Settle at the computer to write this post.
Jordon brings me a drawing he has done.

(Jordon) Can you please help me to write a letter to santa?
(Me) Yep. I will see how we go after tea, or maybe in the morning if Emily is asleep.

Emily falls asleep. Jordon leaves the room.
Jordon comes back in the room.

(Jordon) Tanya, I'm starving.
(Me) Yeah I know. We are going to have tea when I finish this.
(Jordon) When you get off the computer?
(Me) Yep.
(Jordon)Theres nothing on t.v
(Me) Well I will come out in a sec in you give me 5 minutes to finish this, then I'll come cook tea.

Me - about to snap. We have been out shopping all day with my mum and the stress of shopping, children and also being with my mum at the same time has wound me up.

BREEEEEEEEATHE.

I go to the kitchen to start to cook tea, sit Emily in her bouncer. She is out to it....this is usually the time I get tea done and tidy up.

(Jordon) Tanya come look at this!

I go to his room. He has set up his new doona cover I bought him.

(Me) Wow that looks great!
(Jordon) Thankyou for buying it for me.
(Me) Thats ok!
(Emily) Uh...Uh....uh! PFFFFTTTTT!

A Massive wet poo...I could just FEEL the wetness.
I get her out of the bouncer and lay her on the floor. She wees all over her clothes.
I go to her room to get some more.

(Jordon) Tanya? Can you grab something out of the wardrobe for me?
(Me) Hang on, I cant leave Emily wet and in the nude

Change Emily, redress her and settle her back down.
Go and grab toy from top of Wardrobe. Then Jordon wants to revise his good behaviour chart. He helps me put on gold stars for good manners, and listening while we were out today.

(the good behaviour chart is on trial...if he gets his good stars for certain things he gets a treat. So far it seems to work.)

I then go back to the kitchen to see if I can start tea, but decide on finishing this post first.

I know so many people do this everyday, but I dont think I could.

2 children? ummmmmm...no!

He says, she says

2009-07-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

When is the right time to give something other than milk to your baby?

The health nurse says at least 6 months, my mum says 6 months, some of my friends say 4 months, and a few people have said 3 months. Emily is 2 months now and Nathan is talking about giving her baby jellies soon. I'm not sure if she is ready. I really don't know. Mum reckons that giving food too early gives them bowel problems, but she didn't give me food early and I have bowel problems anyway.

Ooh I'm not sure what to do.

The Many Faces of Emily

2009-07-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

~GORILLA EMILY~

~BATHTIME EMILY~

~ESKIMO EMILY~

~PIRATE EMILY~

~FAIRY EMILY~

I never thought I would be so happy to see a POO!

2009-07-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

No more formula for Emily.

On Saturday Auntie Emma ran out of my expressed milk so fed Emily on formula for the night. When she came home she did a stinky poo and I thought nothing of it.

Until Wednesday.

Why hasn't she done a poo since Sunday? I thought.

Apparently formula is heavier than breastmilk, therefore takes quite a bit to go through baby's system. 'They' don't expect you to swap and change so the next lot of formula is meant to push the last one out. The only problem was that we had gone back to breastfeeding.

Last night I was up with a grizzly baby who clearly had a tummy ache and wasn't comfortable enough to sleep. There was no sleep yesterday and 4 hours last night, followed by short naps which ended in screams just as I had drifted off to sleep myself. Nathan has to get up for work at 3:45am so this afternoon when he came home we weren't a happy family.

I was told by the lovely sisters in law (2 of them) to mix a tiny bit of brown sugar in a bottle of water and feed that to Emily before her next feed. I did so tonight, she wasn't keen on the taste but we got about 20ml into her, which was enough to do the job.

Awhile later, she did a massive fart and started to cry. I picked her up and she wanted to be fed. As I fed her I noticed a foul stench and wondered if she had done what I had been hoping for.

Indeed she had.

All over her singlet, top and pants, front and back. It took me a good 10 minutes to clean the poo off her, all the while singing and praising her as she grizzled.

As soon as she was in a clean nappy and clean clothes, she did this;

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

milestones

2009-07-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

The first time I have had an alcoholic drink in 11 months...the first time Emily has been babysat...the first time she has slept in her own room...oh the time goes too fast!!!

We went out Saturday night to a Gangsters and Flappers party. It was good fun. I had to leave Emily with Auntie Emma for the night. I was a little worried about her but I figured its only one night, its not a week and Emma has everything for her. I wrote a few messages to her to check up but everything seemed fine. Nathan and I enjoyed ourselves, drank and socialised and went home at some ungodly hour.

I think the worst part was getting up at 6am to hop in the shower because I was overflowing. I had to stand and express for an hour to release the pressure. I had also leaked all through the bed. When I went to pick Emily up, she heard my voice, cried and then wanted to feed. I fed her then she smiled at me as if to say 'Where were you hiding those boobs woman? I missed them!'

Auntie Emma cooked a big, greasy breakfast for us because apparently I looked like the living dead. (This is probably from going to bed at 2am and up at 6am) Emily was eyeing off the sausages. Emily had had some formula as well as breastmilk so when she did a poo MAN IT STUNK!!! It would suck disposing of formula nappies all the time. They stink!!! She took to the bottle and formula really well, but I think she missed the boobs because all she did when we got home was feed.

We decided to leave the cradle there because soon Emma will be having her own baby and will need it, so last night Emily had a bath and slept in her own room in her cot for the first time. I walked out of the room with tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want her to sleep there...she looked so small. But in 5 minutes she was out like a light so I guess she enjoyed it. AND she slept for 8 hours! I jumped out of bed this morning, panicky because I realised it was 7:30 and I hadn't gotten up during the night at all. Emily was just stirring and when I came in the bedroom she looked up at me and started to grizzle.

This is Emily's first babyclub photo I forgot to upload before! (The Massive Fart...)

My Fluffball and Me

2009-07-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

New Woman

2009-07-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

I've noticed of late that a few women I know who have recently had babies have had wardrobe upgrades or new styles. Is this just coincidence, or am I onto something? What could be the reason behind all of this, is it us trying to find ourselves and our own identity while having to spend our days serving the needs of a miniature dictator? Or is it a celebration of obtaining our bodies back? OR is the boobs? I didn't think I would succumb to this trend, but this is what happened to my hair last week:

Do you like it?

Breastfeeding is a full time job too...isn't it?

2009-07-20T03:35:00.000-07:00

Every night when I sit down for tea, no matter where we are, Emily starts to cry because she is hungry. Who has to feed her? Me. Because I posess the boobs. (This means I am all powerful, yes?)

Now I'm not complaining, there are more pro's than con's with breastfeeding, but I just wish that sometimes she would be hungry when I'm ready, not when I'm sleeping/eating/showering/driving/shopping...the computer and t.v are ok as I am sitting down anyway. Right now she has just started feeding and Nathan is in the kitchen dishing up tea. (Yes, he is my kitchen bitch! But he makes one hell of a mess and I am the cleaning fairy...It works for us.)

I love breastfeeding, but am surprised at how many people find it a touchy subject. Sometimes I'm too scared to ask people if they are breastfeeding or bottle feeding for fear of offending anyone;

'Of COURSE I'm breastfeeding'

or

'No, I'm NOT breastfeeding, I'm bottlefeeding'

or the worst one

'I couldn't breastfeed even though I wanted to.'

Oops. Sorry for rubbing it in your face...I don't mean to. I'm all for breastfeeding, as my mum said its a magical bonding experience and makes you feel needed and important. when I'm feeding Emily she is so content, I watch her feed and run my fingers through her long hair. (The hair is now 4cm long at 7 weeks old...future hair model?) When she is finished she snuggles into me and I let her lay there for a few minutes before putting her to bed. I wouldn't miss that bonding experience for the world.

Breastfeeding also helps you to lose the babyweight and acts as a contraception. I put on 17kg with Emily and since the birth I have lost 20kg, so I'm happy. I still have a lot of loose skin though so I'm going to have to start doing some serious exercise. The muffin-top is not a good look.

Also, breastfeeding is convenience. No bottles to warm up or carry around, you just pull out a boob and off you go. I used to care about feeding in public, but after a few feeds in the bedroom or the car I started to think, 'Stuff them, it's natural.' So now I feed wherever I want and I've learnt how to attach Emily discreetly, so discreetly that sometimes people don't realise I'm feeding her! I do get a few funny looks sometimes, or people who dont know where to look so they look at the ground, it annoys me. I want people just to ignore the fact that I'm feeding.

I think the only issue I have with breastfeeding is that I am the only one who can feed Emily. I think Nathan is a little sad because of that too, but he said he's happy that she can have the 'best' start to life, according to 'them.' As I am getting up during the night, I sleep in most days and feel so lazy. Emily's sleep pattern is to cluster feed until midnight, wake at 5am for a feed, then again at 8am. Some nights she will also wake at 2am for a quick feed so then I feel tired and often sleep in until 9 or 10am.

This makes me feel guilty as Nath starts work at 5am and sometimes he finishes early and gets home at 11 or 12 which means I have only been up for an hour or so. I feel horrible that he has been to a whole shift at work. I haven't told him this yet, but I think he has figured it out. I have a big issue with not working myself, I hate to spend money that Nathan earnt.

But thats part of being a mum and I wouldn't miss any time with her for the world.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2009-07-18T08:12:00.000-07:00

BE WARNED; this is a bit of a whingy post. If you would like to read something funny, scroll to the bottom for an episode of 'Kids say the darnest things!'

Before I start, I am rearranging myself with a tri-pillow and a baby on my lap. I've learnt to position her to feed so that I can still eat/type/text/sleep...

Yes, sleep. Accidentally, of course.

I am often told that admitting that you have a problem is the first step towards solving it. But what if you have money issues? Hands up who has some sort of money issue at the moment...

I thought so.

Since Emily was born, Nathan hadn't had any work. As our food supply dwindled and we got sick of handouts from family and friends, we constantly looked for work for him. Our finances were tight as it was and we had been scraping by, god knows how. The bills kept rolling in and the money had stopped rolling out. I was so stressed by this time last week that I would burst into tears over the smallest thing.

'N-Nathan, do you still l-love m-m-me? It's m-my fault that we are so broke because I can't worrrrrrrkkkkk.' (Sob, sob, sniff)

Maybe that was also to do with hormones? Darn hormones.

I am a big believer in faith, but even my faith was wearing thin. I thought there was no hope for us. Then the letter came from the bank. Yes, one of those letters. By then I was having images of us renting a 1 bedroom unit while working alternate shifts to pay off our debts.

I was so upset I abandonned this blog for fear of writing what I was truly feeling; regret, misery, stress...

But my faith paid off. Nathan was offered a full time job, I found out that as I was made redundant and didn't earn enough money last year to need to pay tax I get it all back, plus the family assistance money for popping out a baby before the end of the financial year. I'm sitting here tonight doing our finances, and finally the number crunching isn't in the red.

Next week I get to go and pay all our bills and the week after I get to do a big grocery shop. I can't wait to buy yummy food, we have been living of the very basics to keep us going for so long and when I get the chance I am going to have a huge bowl of icecream with m&m's!

For every situation there always comes a positive outcome and right at this very second I am looking forward to the week ahead. FINALLY.

NOW FOR SOMETHING LIGHTHEARTED;

Friday morning I took Emily to the Elizabeth Hope Pharmacy to join the baby club and get a monthly photo, (We missed the first month as they were repainting) after we had filled in all of the paperwork I placed Emily on the seat to have her photo taken. The nurse looked through the lens of the camera and just as she went to take the photo Emily screwed her face up and let out the LOUDEST ripper of a fart! Everyone else in the store stopped to look and the first thing I thought to say was,

'Emily!!! That's NOT very ladylike!'

which sent the nuse into fits of laughter.

Friday night I picked Jordon up for the weekend. When we got home I decided to make him a 'good behaviour chart'. Once I explained to him how it worked, I asked him what sort of treat he would like if he gets all of his gold stars for his chores. He replied with,

'I want to go for a counter meal the the (local) pub!'

(I was thinking a lolly or something...6 years old going on 26?)

Baby Language

2009-07-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

Ah! Ahhhh! Ah?

(Mouth open trying to attach to everything and suck)

I'm hungry!

***

'Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ah, ah, ah! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ah, ah, ah!'

(We call this 'The Count' because she sounds like the Count from Sesame Street)

I'm friggin HUNGRY and I need food RIGHT NOW!!!

***

'Anuf! Arrrammmmmmm, unaaaarrrrrrrrr, mmm, owwwwweerrrrr!'

I would like to be changed, I don't like to lay in my own wee

***

'Grrrrrrrrrrr, rrrr, rrrrgggggg, ggggggg, ggggrrrrrrrrmmmmllll, ggrrrllll!'

Now I can talk like you mummy and daddy!

***

'Ahhhhhh!!!! Ahhhh? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?????????'

(Moves head around, looking frantically)

Where ARE you mummy? mummy? daddy? SOMEONE???

***

'HUP! Grrrrrr HUP! Grrrrrrr HUP! GRRRRRRRRR HUP! WAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!'

I HATE hiccups!

1 month old

2009-06-28T23:39:00.000-07:00

Happy 1 month old Emily!!!

Happy baby most of the time!!!

You love watching TV

Blame Auntie Kylie for the hairclip!

This is a tantrum you threw today because you were hungry. Thats usually the only time you get cranky! You are a pretty good sleeper and your new trick is to wee when you are being changed! Today you smiled at me 4 times in a row!

My Top Ten

2009-06-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Organising My Life (What I did when I was too pregnant to go out)

My Top Ten Baby Items:

1. Cradle Which is easy to move from Bedroom to Loungeroom

Note that Baby will only projectile vomit on the bedroom carpet and not the hardwood loungeroom floor

2. Bouncer with a blanket to lay over top and toys to look at

I position this where she can see the TV and fishtank and she usually watches one of them

3. Tri-Pillow to feed baby on and let her fall asleep afterwards on

Ahhhhhh saves my back especially in the middle of the night. It is so handy because she is so comfy that she falls asleep on it and then I put her to bed.

4. Bath and Change time Basket and Changemat rather than Changetable (See Above Image)

Portable and handy. Basket contains nappies, nappy rash cream, wipes, nappy bags, powder, singlets, cotton buds, hairbrush and sorbolene cream...easy to take into the warm bathroom and lay a towel on changemat to dry baby on.

We found that Emily never liked being wrapped so we used the stretchy blankets and muslin wraps to lay on the changemat for spills and to keep her warm when changing.

5. Washable Breast Pads to wear when breasts leak and after feeding

Disposable packet lasted me a week and the washable ones are a lot comfier!

6. Lots of Growsuits and Singlets and Blankets

We have 18 growsuits and still sometimes nearly run out! There isnt any point if you have a winter baby in having good clothes because baby is much warmer in a growsuit. We have some dressy ones though that Emily wears when we go somewhere.

7. Baby Polar Fleece Sleeping Bag Suit to wear over clothes instead of a blanket

Tried yesterday when I went shopping and is so easy to put on baby and leave on baby in the car and in the pram and no mucking around with a blanket. I have one as a sleeping bag with arms and a hood and one that has arms and legs and a hood which she loved. They look really cute and keep baby really warm because a normal growsuit is worn underneath.

8. Mittens with thick elastic wrists

The other mittens were thrown on the floor after Nathan got sick of putting them back onto little cold hands every 10 minutes. The best pair we have have thick elastic wrists which hold the mitten on even if she sucks on it, they came from Pumpkin Patch. *Must get some more.

9. Baby Bath Chair to use in baby bath and big bath

Emily didnt really like the baby bath and prefers to bath with Daddy in the spa bath in her baby chair. This also saves Daddys back and he can wash her hair easily then pass her to Mummy to dry.

10. Small Convertible Pram/Stroller to take on outings

We have a big car with a big boot and this pram fits into less than half of the boot! It also converts to a stroller and has a cup holder which I keep my keys, wallet and shopping list in.

My Top Ten Household Items:

1. Dishwasher it takes 5 minutes to unpack and re-stack and washes all the dishes...ahhhh...

Some people don't like them but newer ones actually use the same amount of water as washing by hand AND they clean your dishes really well. You need to remember not to put anything in which has lots of sauce, food or fat on it because the filter isnt very thick and will get clogged. Obviously you wouldn't put your dishes in dishwater with food and fat still on them to float around with the dishes!

2. Washing Machine - No brainer. SO MUCH WASHING.

I refuse to have a drier, they use so much power and air drying isn't that hard!

3. Heatpump as it doubles as a cold fan in Summer and isn't dangerous like a heater

Again, some people hate them but I have grown to love ours. It even has a timer so when you are out it can come on at a certain time and you come home to a warm house without having to start the fire or leave it going all day. We are going to get a wood fire downstairs though one day...

4. Computer and internet. Obviously. A country mothers link to the outside world.
Also the best place to find recipes, lost friends, information on anything at all (especially when our goldfish got whitespot disease) and music. Best thing to research for Uni as well.

5. Spa Bath with removable shower head above
We use our spa bath so much, for spas together and alone, to fill up buckets and wash big things in (fishing and boating gear etc)because it is so big, to bath Emily in, to have showers in and the removable shower head makes it easy to clean and wash things and also fantastic when I had to wash my stitches down below when I came out of hospital! When other children come to stay with Jordon they all wear their undies and have a bubble bath together which they love!

6. A good inside Clothes Airer which I have not yet acquired
I have a thin white metal one and want a big wooden one...one day. This one has clothes rotating on and off it constantly as it is in the loungeroom in front of the heatpump.

7. Dining Table to eat on, talk at, sit things on...
We never had one growing up and I have found that it is the central area for visitors to have a coffee at, eat a meal at and just sit and chat at. I also do my Uni homework there and sometimes we play cards with friends and family there. I love having it. It is also the place where Jordon eats no matter what, so we always know where the food mess is. (We do not eat in the bedrooms as a rule after I moved Jordons bed one day and found a massive pile of mouse poo from where I'm guessing a piece of food or crumbs were dropped down the side and never spotted)

8. Sandwich Press they aren't just good for sandwiches...
You can toast salad wraps/tortillas/souvlaki in them, toast sandwiches, warm up ham and cheese topped rolls, Nathan even sometimes cooks bacon in it.

9. Huge Pantry with a sensor light
This is fantastic compared to when I used to keep food in the cupboard. Everything is easy to see and its not so hard on your back lifting something heavy out of it. Now I can stash the chocolate up high and no children can reach it, they cant even see it! There was also once a shelf for confiscated toys. (You know the noisy ones that make loud noises at 6am on a Sunday morning.....Or the cap guns that keep shooting even after you have said 'ENOUGH!')

10. I was going to put comfy bed and mattress because that's where I'd like to be right now!

My Top Ten Handbag Items:

1. Mobile Phone for emergencies
When you're a teenager an emergency is not hearing from your boyfriend one night, but as an adult I use my mobile for everything and quite often real emergencies.

2. Small Camera in camera case to capture 'Kodak Moments'
You'd be surprised how many times someone says 'I wish I had a camera right now' and I can pull mine out and get the best photos, us photographers must take our cameras everywhere!

3. Lady Speed Stick the best deodorant ever!
I sweat badly and this stuff helps to keep me dry. I really should look into this oversweating because apparently its a real medical problem. Some of my tops are wrecked from the sweat marks.

4. Perfume with an un-offensive smell for when you feel smelly
You know...Baby Vomit and stuff. Sometimes you dont realise until you go somewhere how much you smell from being at home with baby. Mine is Jasmine and White Tea or something like that. It smells pretty.

5. Breath Mints for fresh breath and to offer to friends who have 'Death Breath'
Has anyone ever said to you 'Want a breath Mint?' Yeah, its because your breath stinks not because they are a good friend who likes to share.

6. Travel Pack of Baby Wipes
My newest addition to my handbag. These things are magic...they clean and freshen hands and faces and even things baby and 6 year old has touched with sticky hands. Mum said that they werent around when I was born and she had a wet facewasher to take everywhere.

7. Tiny Makeup/Overnight Bag with ladies toiletries to freshen up or for overnight trips
Just to make sure that you arent left without sanitary wear for a long time (ewwww) and if you end up going camping or something out of the blue. Nathan and I have done this many times, especially after a few drinks. He is spontaneous like that and I love it, but I also still like to feel clean and fresh.

8. Lip Balm for when your lips get SO DRY
Because you will LICK them and they will get worse. I'm licking mine right now.

9. A mini Bottle of Water for emergencies
Usually to shut up 6 year old who starts NEEDING a drink as soon as you pull out of the driveway and are going on a long trip. If I'm thinking clearly I bring two because if he sees me or Nath drinking he suddenly NEEDS a drink as well and will continue to ask for one every 5 minutes even if its a 3 hour trip.

10. Pen and small Pad to write lists/phone numbers etc
Lists are my best friend lately, pregnancy brain and new mummy brain. I write a list before I leave home and follow it when I'm out so I dont forget anything. I still manage to forget SOMETHING.

Half - Done

2009-06-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

Everything with a new baby ends up being half - done.

Washing, half done. (Clean washing packed away, wet washing sitting in basket next to airer)

Cup of Coffee, half made. (Sitting there in the cup with sugar and milk)

Makeup, half done. (Eyeliner but no mascara. Thats all I ever wear. Foundation=itchy)

Blog Post, half done. (I have tried to finish it 3 times but have given up)

Me, half dressed. (I threw on an unflattering pair of trackies with a good top)

Dishes, half done. (Dishwasher unpacked, but dirty dishes not stacked yet)

Bed, half made. (Just gotta scatter those cushions when I have time)

Car, half clean. (The outside is cleaner than the inside)

Dog, half fed. (The food is sitting on the doorstep ready to take to her)

So should I make a to-do list to finish all the half done things?

A 'To-Half-Do' list or a 'To-Finish-List'

3 weeks

2009-06-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

3 weeks ago yesterday I was standing in the shower crying because I didn't want to be induced the following week.

3 weeks ago last night I went to a party and went into pre-labour.

3 weeks ago last night I was terrified and clung to the bathroom door not wanting to go to hospital.

3 weeks ago late last night I was laying in the pregnancy assessment room, I went to the toilet and my water broke followed by contractions at 3 minutes apart.

3 weeks ago today Emily came into the world.

3 weeks ago today I could hardly walk from the sore back and sore stitches down below.

We have come such a long way.

I Love You

2009-06-20T03:56:00.000-07:00

I Love You

Routine

2009-06-18T04:52:00.000-07:00

We have a routine at nearly 3 weeks! (Cue the chorus of the choir)

Emily feeds a few times between 8pm and 11pm, then settles down, wakes up for a feed and change at 1am, 5am and 7am. This is pretty much on the dot, she then lays awake gurgling for awhile unless I get up, sometimes she will snooze again until 9 or 10am. I know this because I have been checking the time everytime she wakes. I still cant believe her timing!

She also likes to watch telly.

Nathan called out to me a few days ago, 'Come look at this babe, she's watching telly!'

I came out from the bedroom saying, 'I don't think she is old enough to focus on the telly. Are you sure she isn't staring into space?'

Sure enough, she was watching playschool with her mouth open and eyes darting around the screen. Then the news came on and she cried. Typical child, the news is EVIL. I don't blame her, its all bad news anyway.

Go Away Flu

2009-06-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Flu,

GO AWAY. Your prescence is not required, I have a new baby to look after. I've tried to fight you off with cold and flu tablets, hot drinks and staying warm, but if I woke up tomorrow morning and you are still here, I will need to take further action. This is just a friendly message for you to vacate my body before I have to take drastic measures. If you move onto my baby and make her sick, there will be hell to pay.

Regards,

Tanya

Perfect sleep, but day from Hell...

2009-06-12T03:23:00.000-07:00

The sleep was fantastic.

Emily was fantastic all day as well, it was just everything else that got me down.

That 'cold' I felt coming on this morning decided that it would be a full on flu complete with all the features; heavy shoulders, tight and sore forehead, running nose, blocked ears and headache. My throat feels scratchy too. I was so pissed off...a great sleep finally and then this. Yuck.

I had to take Emily out to the Doctor today and for a spot of grocery shopping. (the cupboards are completely bare...) Nathan was coming but decided just before we left he wanted to stay home and play housewife, cleaning and doing washing. I didn't want to go by myself so I spent the first 10 minutes of the car trip cursing at him up there at home while I had to go out. Emily spent the time napping happily in the carseat.

We got to the local shop where I was getting money out, of course the ATM was out of order. I had to get money out at the next ATM which was another 10 minutes along the highway. I had to check the bank balance incase there wasnt enough money in there as I only had a little petrol.

We got to the shopping centre and it took me 100 years to find a carpark, which was still miles from the entrance. I gave filthy looks to a fat couple who had parked right next to the entrance and were having trouble squeezing out of their little hatchback.

(WHY do 'larger' people have small cars????????)

I went inside the shopping entre to Medicare so I could get Emily signed up before we went to the Doctor. The lady told me that I needed some form which I had left at home and wouldn't be able to be bulk billed. Apparently when I was told which form was what at the hospital I wasn't listening. Must remember to write these things down in future.

I noticed that the pram was really hard to push and was thinking that maybe it wasnt such a good idea to get a second hand one. I then realised I was pushing her around with the brakes on. *sigh*

I decided then to go and submit the form for Emily's birth registration. As soon as I got to the Service Tasmania, Emily decided to cry. There was a line of about 200 people so I went into the library next door and started searching for somewhere to change her and feed her. There were so many people out and about today that I literally had nowhere to sit to feed her so once I used the change table in the baby change room I stood and fed her because I refuse to sit on a toilet seat to feed her. Why is there no Baby feeding rooms or even benches??? Or polite people who move out of the way for a mother with a grizzly baby who is STARVING? I've learnt that I can shoot milk a great distance, maybe I should ahve attacked them with it?

She settled back down straight away and we waited 25 minutes in line to submit the form. The man behind me kept coughing and I kept trying to stand between him and the pram. There is an outbreak of swine flu people, for fuck sakes put your hand over your mouth. Emily was happily sleeping and had been for most of the time. A few people in the line stared at her. Actually, a lot of people had a peek at her today, even when I was grabbing a drink two old ladies stopped to coo at her.

We then went through the shopping centre towards the Doctor surgery where we saw Nathans ex's mum who wanted to have a look at Emily becasue apparently Jordon hadn't stopped talking about her.

When we got to the Doctor surgery it was gone! I went next door and asked where it went. Apparently they had moved to Hobart and my appointment was in 5 minutes!!! I was so peeved, not only was it Emily's 2 weeks checkup, but I wanted to ask about the gunk she has been getting in her eyes for the past 2 days and my stupid flu which by then was making me look like a train wreck. I rang the doctors surgery and the receptionist politely apologised for not letting me know, she didn't realise I hadnt been there since I was 8 weeks pregnant. I got to reschedule for Monday for no extra charge. Must remember to also write that down.

I was so annoyed with everything by that point that I rang Nathan (who asked me to grab McDonalds on the way home) got petrol and headed home. Emily snoozed all the way home, even when I quickly left her in the car while I stopped at the chemist to grab cold and flu tablets.

I have to write her first outing in her baby book...I suppose I could just not mention everything that went wrong! she was so well beahved, I was really surprised. She loves the motion of the pram and the car and will stop crying even if she is hungry or wet.

Oh and the groceries? I just didn't bother. I'd had enough.

Thankyou Emily!!!

2009-06-11T17:31:00.000-07:00

Thankyou Emily, THANKYOU for having such a long sleep last night, 12am til 9am with only one feed and change in the middle. You must have known mummy was getting a cold and REALLY BADLY needed the sleep!!! Mummy is also happy that you are content to amuse yourself this morning while I tidy the house and hang out washing, GOOD GIRL!!!

Oh and Thankyou Daddy for changing her this morning while Mummy layed in bed with coffee! Emily has taken to weeing all over us when we change her, its funny to hear Daddy swear under his breath when the wee goes up her back and soaks her clothes. Mummy is smart enough to pull her clothes right up away from her bum and put a towel under her....

I have a horrid cold which just appeared yesterday and Emily has yucky yellow gunk in her eyes so we are off to the Doctor today and for her 2 week check. (Yes, she is nearly 2 weeks old!!! Where did that go???????????) I did her hand and foot prints at one week old with pink paint, they look so cute!!!

My stitches have also dissolved and nearly healed.....ahhhhhhhhhhh bliss. No more having showers 3 times a day, thats probably how I got a cold, from wet hair.

Joy

2009-06-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

What they don't tell you about childbirth...

2009-06-08T05:30:00.000-07:00

I got such a surprise that no matter how prepared I was for childbirth, everything was still overwhelming, amazing, and sometimes dissappointing or disgusting. This is just from my point of view and I know that every pregnancy is different, but here is my list of things that I wasn't prepared for...

INITIAL LABOUR ITSELF ISN'T AS BAD AS I EXPECTED

The stages from my waters breaking (which set off my contractions) until I was fully dilated (this took 7 hours) wasn't as bad as I expected. My body worked with the contractions and I alternated between having a hot shower and laying on the bed with the gas to cope. I had a shot of pethidine which did nothng for me at all so I just sucked hard on the gas as a contraction came, and by the time I had sucked 4 times the contraction was gone. I was very relaxed. My midwife commented on how well I was doing. I ended up having the epidural and I still wonder if I would have been better off not having it? Maybe I could have given birth unaided? Or maybe it would have been worse? I'll never know.

LABOUR MAY NOT GO AS PLANNED AND THIS MAY DISSAPPOINT YOU IMMENSELY

An epidural can wear off just before you need to push and you go from zero pain to the full 'about to give birth' pain, PLUS she was pushing on a nerve in my back which hurt more than the entire labour, causing me to scream and curl up when I was meant to push. I had to have a spinal block and she came out with the help of forceps...AND I had stitches as well. I didnt get upset about the whole process until the next night when it really sunk in what had happened. Everyone says 'As long as she is here and healthy it doesnt matter' but somewhere deep inside, it DOES matter. It matters a lot. I'm a woman, I should be able to do this. I felt like I was too 'weak' to do it, even though one of the mdwives who was present told me that she had the same with her labour, it hurt like hell and she did the same as me even though she is a midwife herself.

THE 'BABY BLUES' DOES ACTUALLY EXIST

I became very dissappointed about the way things went at birth and cried when no one was around. I felt as though I had failed. This is how I know that the baby blues exists, and it DOES go away after your hormones settle down, a few days or so. The difference between this and Post Natal Depression is that the Baby Blues dissappears after a few days and you feel happier, and in love with your baby. I don't know what its like to have PND, all I know is that I dont have it. I've heard that some people take a few days to fall in love with their baby, mine was instant. I don't remember having stitches, Nathan cutting the cord, or even being wheeled around in the bed. I breastfed her on both sides and just lay there watching her. She was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP A LITTLE WHILE AFTER THE BIRTH

I can remember thinking how nice it was to be pregnant! I was so overwhelmed with Emily and visitors that when I finally could get out of bed to have a shower, I realised how much my stitches hurt, my back hurt and how uncomfortable it was because I was bleeding heavily. I hadn't eaten or slept in 24 hours and generally felt like the living dead. I looked in the mirror and my tummy hung down towards the floor, AND I STILL LOOKED PREGNANT!!! The worst part was looking after a baby when I had no experience at all, and seeing visitors who brought beautiful gifts with them, I hope I thanked them all! I apologised to my Auntie for being 'out of it' and she just told me that she understands and not to worry! The back ache and stitches hurt, but not as much as my breasts did when my milk started to come in! I screeched when Emily latched and then sat there breathing heavily so I didn't squeal! The midwives kept an eye on me and kept reminding me that this is the worst part, and they were right. A few days after we got home everything settled down and now I only have uncomfortable stitches to worry about. (They are actually right where you sit so you cant sit up straight!!!)

VISITORS COME IN DROVES AND YOU JUST WANT TO SLEEP!

I honestly didn't expect that many people to visit, I don't even know how some of them found out about Emily! Someone came just after we were wheeled into our room and I hadn't even told them! We still have had visitors now that we are home too!!! The thing is that I really didn't feel like seeing anyone, but I know if no one came I would have been upset. Children were the hardest because they wanted to climb and jump on my bed and I was sore, and then they wanted to hold Emily which was hard, but we got there. During rest hours I was just drifting off when my brother came in, poked me and said 'YOU'RE SNORING!!!' He somehow got let in, then when he left visiting hours were back on and my friends showed up!!! Even this morning I was napping on the couch cause Emily had been up all night restless and there was a knock at the door!

BLOOD CLOTS AND BLEEDING

The bleeding was so heavy I'm glad I thought to pack my oldest pyjamas and bought some cheap old undies because they all had to be thrown out! I was having a shower one day, got out and felt something unny, then a big 'SPLAT!' on the floor. I looked down and there was a massive blood clot the size of a hamburger which made me panic and call out the door for a midwife! They told me it was fine and normal but I wish someone had told me about this before it happened! I really thought something was wrong! Bleeding settles dwna dn then only comes when you are feeding baby...I thought this was weird but it happens. also, when you are feeding baby your uterus contracts so you get menstral-like cramps which are apparently pulling it back to shape. I was amazed that you can actually FEEL it contract. Strange.

STRETCHMARKS LOOK WORSE AFTER BIRTH

My stretchmarks look like more now that Emily is out, and my belly is like jelly. The stretchmarks that were just at the bottom front of my belly now actually cover the whole front of my belly. I really hope they fade because at the moment they look like a road map. Yuck. Nathan made a remark about my breasts sagging so he copped a punch in the arm.

A CRYING BABY MAKES YOU WANT TO CRY TOO!

I cried the first night because Emily cried and it sounded like she was in pain. I frantically tried everything to calm her, then went out into the corridor crying and looking for help. A lovely midwife explained to me that babies cry to communicate and I have to remember this, the are rarely in pain, just hungry or uncomfortable. Once I knew that it was easy to have her cry when I changed her nappy because I knew she was just feeling a little cold from the baby wipes. Last night she was up every hour crying, would feed for a minute or so, then cry some more. I changed her and it didn't help. I held and rocked her and it didn't help. She had a tummy ache and I couldn't do anything but hold her and rub her back and try to feed her to calm her a bit.

HOSPITAL IS THE WORST PLACE TO STAY!

I just have to mention that the midwives I had in hospital, every single one of them was FANTASTIC and they really deserve some recognition. They were so helpful, happy and one even stayed and talked to me for hours when I was upset. The girl in the room next door came over too and we had a little natter in the early hours of the morning. That being said, hospital is the WORST place to stay, even with all the help. I really didn't like it. They brought my food in when the mealtimes were, but I was rarely ready to eat then and I had to go to the mothers kitchen to reheat everything, because it was a shared room there were people walking past all the time, and when the girl next to me didn't have visitors, mine showed up. The midwives asked if we wanted a big go away sign on the door! Also, you can hear other babies and people paging the midwives every 10 minutes or so. I'm amazed they even got to my room, they must be flat out! I didn't have enough money for the TV and the TV lady felt sorry for me so left it on anyway for an extra day, but the last day no TV at all! I also didn't like staying because the poor girl next door had scabbed over breasts (I think theres some name for it, cant remember...maybe grazing?) so she had to express with a machine and she cried the whole time cause it hurt her and that just made me upset.

BUT I did learn everything I needed to know and we got so many comments from people, even the lunch ladies on Emily, and how much hair she has!!!

So there is my lowdown on childbirth...

The best part is my beautiful baby girl, and Nathan coming to pick us up and bring us home, he was excited, I was relieved and I don't really think Emily cared too much!

Men and Babies

2009-06-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

Every time I see Nathan spending time with Emily, my heart melts all over the floor. It's just so beautiful, such a proud daddy and she loves him right back. He picks her up and she instantly stops crying. She looks around when she hears his voice and she is only one week old.

Nathan wanted a little girl right from the start of our pregnancy. I had a feeling she was a girl, but Nathan told people he KNEW she was a girl, he wouldnt even pick a boys name he was so certain. He already has a son, Jordon and I guess for him a little girl completes the picture. He said he cant ecxplain it, but there is just something about having a little 'Daddy's Girl' to love and protect.

He is such a fantastic father, I knew this from his family and friends who told me he did everything for Jordon as a baby and didn't once complain. He picks Emily up and cuddles her, speaks to her and he changes her more often than I do. I have only bathed her once and that was because the midwife at hospital made me so I had some idea of what I was doing. Nathan has bathed her 3 times, and the last two were when he was having a bath too and she loved it. I sat at the side of the bath with her towel and clothes and waited for him to pass her to me.

Emily is one week old today and I am confident that things are all going to be smooth sailing from here on in, especially with the help of her Daddy, who I wouldn't be able to cope without.

Emily's Birth Story

2009-06-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

It was the 30th of May, a Saturday and Nathan and I were going to an 18th and a 21st that night. At about 4pm I went to have a shower and had my third mucus show in 3 days, I remember thinking that it musnt be too far away. I did my hair and makeup and cried about the fact that I couldnt fit into anything and that I was scared of having to be induced. I cried in the shower so Nathan couldnt hear, but he still knew something was up.

We got to Nathans cousins girlfriends 18th and I started to get pains. My back and stomach ached and everyone was making a fuss over me even though I was trying to be discreet. Nathan decided that we would go to his friends 21st for half an hour and then go home because I may go into labour that night. We left the party and went to the next one, where there were so many people. A few of the girls could tell I was in pain and they stayed with me the whole time, talking about labour and pregnancy and commenting on how I couldn't keep still.

My pains started to get stronger and everyone decided that I should ring the hospital, who told me to come in and be checked out. Nathan decided he was going to drive me and had had a few beers which I wasn't happy about. We stopped in at his sister Bec's house and picked her up and went back home first to get the rest of my things. In the car I decided that I didnt want to go to hospital and Nathan and Bec had to drag me back into the car and lock me in there because I wanted to go to bed! I kept telling them that I wasnt going into labour and that it was a waste of time driving all the way to the hospital. (From our house, at 35 minute trip.)

We drove to the hospital with me crying all the way and Nathan dropped us off at the emergency department. A nurse came staight out with a wheelchair, to which I protested and told her I could walk, but ended up in anyway. We were taken to the Pregnancy Assessment Centre and greeted by the Midwife, Jacqui. She checked me and told me that I was 3cm dilated (still) and was probably in the early stages of labour. She then told me I may be able to go home. I used the loo at the hospital and she came to check I was ok. I told her that I was fine, and then some warm liquid started running down my leg, and all over the floor. I started cleanign it up and she laughed at me and told me to go back and lay on the bed. Then she did a test to see if it was my waters, and apparently it was.

About a minute later I started my first contraction, I climbed on the floor and moved my bum around cause it felt good. Bec laughed at me and started timing them. They came at 3 minutes apart and lasted for about a minute. I couldn't believe that they came at perfect intervals and peaked just like I was told, it felt surreal. I then noticed that Nathan wasnt there, he had gone to park the car a long time ago and we went to call him but realised that his phone was in my handbag.

I got two phonecalls at the hospital, one from a friend and one from the lady who's son was having the 21st, both to see if we were at the hospital and if I was actually in labour.

After abut 45 minutes, Nathan walked in the door and I said, 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!!!??'

He explained that when he went to park the car, he was pulled over and put on the breatho...to which he blew over and was taken to the police station. He had been caught for drink driving and the policeman in charge of doing the tests was tryng to get him out of the charge as he had been driving me to hospital, but he couldnt so the car had been impounded for someone else to pick up. The doctor and midwives were a bit concerned but I think Nathan was too excited about Peanut coming to really think about it.

We were then taken to a birthing suite and I unpacked our bags between contractions. Jacqui came and talked to me, gave me the gas and checked I was ok. I was given a shot of pethidine which did absolutely nothing so I started sucking on the gas which relaxed me. I went and had showers every now and then because they felt great on my back and helped me to stay warm because I felt cold. I was coping so well with the contractions that I sat and wrote messages on my mobile between them, letting everyone know that Peanut was coming! My mum wouldnt answer her phone and Jacqui started calling her because she thought mum might like to come in.

I got to be fully dilated and another midwife came to talk to me and said that because I had been labouring for 7 hours and in the middle of the night maybe an epidural would be good to keep me from getting too exhausted when I had to push. I agreed and we went to the delivery suite where a needle was placed in my back. I had to sit up for it and they told Nathan to hold me tightly when I had a contraction so I didnt jump and bump the needle.

The epidural felt fantastic and it was at this time that my cousin came in to see me, as Nathan went out for a smoke. She remarked that I didnt even look like someone in labour, and Jacqui told me that very soon I would need to push. I asked my cousin to leave so I could concentrate and it was at this time that I started to feel a strange, yucky pain in my back. It got stronger and stronger and suddenly it was unbearable. The epidural had wore off and fallen out of my back. I didnt know it at the time but Peanut was pushing on a nerve in my back. The pain went from nothing to unbearable too quickly and I couldnt handle it, I started to really scream and curl up. Nothing they could say could make me push, I knew that something was wrong.

I couldnt communicate so I just screamed. A lovely doctor came in, saw my pain and decided that they were going to take me upstairs, give a spinal block and get Peanut out, otherwise I would need a ceasarian. When I heard ceasarian I screamed, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!'

The next thing I knew I was being taken to theatre and I was moved onto a table with lots of bright lights. By this point I felt like I was having an out of body experience and was too exhausted to scream. They rolled me onto my side and started to put the needle in. It took about 6 tries and I didn't care.

Once it took effect I finally relaxed but was still out of it. They told me to push and I pushed but it was hard not being able to feel anything. At this point they cut me, grabbed the forceps and with my push they pulled Peanut out. I didn't really feel a lot so when she was placed on my chest I was more surprised than anything.

The midwife (a different one) said to me, 'Congratulations, here is your daughter!!!'

I replied with, 'Daughter? DAUGHTER!!! NATHAN, IT'S A GIRL!!!' and looked around for Nathan who I only just noticed was beside me the whole time and dressed in scrubs.

'I know!' he said with the biggest smile on his face. I then asked him if she was still an Emily Rose and he told me she definately was.

Somewhere at this time I pushed out the placenta, had stitches, Nathan cut the cord and I was wheeled into recovery. I spent the whole time staring at my daughter and she stared right back.

I was told to feed her so with the help of the midwives I fed her for a short time on each breast while a lovely man touched my whole body with ice, asking me to tell him what I could feel and what I couldn't. When he was satisfied another midwife came with a bag of tags and labels and asked me if she had a name. She filled out her hospital tags and crib label.

I was then wheeled into a shared room back in maternity and realised that I had lost the birthing suite, which I wasnt happy about. Mum Dad Nathan and Bec were all waiting for us there and whle I had been feeding Emily Nathan had announced her arrival in the waiting room, rang people, showed mum and dad photos he took of the birth and Bec had arrived at the hospital.

I do not remember any photos being taken at this time...

This was taken when my brother came to visit us

Mum took this one just after we were all reunited

Emily has always been alert right from the start

This is at midnight the first night, neither of us slept

A little ray of sunshine....

2009-06-02T04:59:00.000-07:00

Emily Rose King was born on the 31st of May at 10:27am.

Basically I laboured for 7 hours till I was fully dilated, (I handled it realy well with the gas) was offered an epidural for the big ending which I happily accepted, then Emily pushed on a nerve in my back which made the pain so excruciating that labour was nothing and the epidural wasnt any help at all. I ended up having a spinal block because I couldnt handle the pain. I was told to push, tried to push and Emily came out with the help of some forceps. I also needed stitches, couldnt feel my legs for 4 hours and didnt know she was out until she was placed on my chest.

It wasnt the labour I wanted or expected but when that little girl looked straight into my eyes, then latched onto my breast, I was instantly in love.

I will never forget the look on Nathans face when we were told she was a girl. He was right next to me and his face lit up like nothing I have ever seen in my whole life.

Peanut is in need of a little help...

2009-05-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the hospital to have an internal examination.

All the way in the car I stared out the window, feeling useless and wondering why Peanut had not decided to make an appearance. Nathan decided to come with me and as it absolutely POURED with rain, he couldnt work anyway (being a builder.) I mumbled a few times to him that I wanted to go alone, but he insisted on coming so I let him. Usually it would be the other way around but I just wanted to be alone today and I guess he sensed that and decided it was in my best interest to have some company.

We had to wait the standard 40 minutes once at the hospital, and the whole time a baby/toddler from a room up the corridor screamed and yelled 'MUMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE' which made my blood run cold. I guess they knew Nathan was coming because there were a stack of car magazines on the table which he happily flicked through, showing me different cars.

I felt nervous about someone I didnt know shoving their hand where I didn't want them too. There were about 5 males doctors and one female, and I smiled when I was called into her consultation room. Nathan sat next to me as the lovely Doc explained everything being overdue, a membrane sweep, inducement and asked me where I would like to go from here. I just answered with 'I don't know.' She explained to me that she would have to check my cervix and asked if this was ok. I felt like asking her if I had a choice but I just nodded my head and went behind the curtain to take off my pants and undies.

She laid a blanket around my legs and firstly gave a small ultrasound. She checked Peanut's heartrate and position, which were both 'excellent.' She then cleaned me up, put on some gloves and plled the curtain across so all Nathan could see was my face. I don't think he minded.

She then did the internal, explaining to me the whole time what she was doing and why. I felt fairly uncomfortable and screeched at the end of the process, trying to hold back tears. It was painful and uncomfortable and she told me later that I had a crampy contraction at the end because she had pulled at my cervix and done a membrane sweep.

When she told us that I was 3cm dilated, I was pretty relieved. She seemed to think that labour may start soon, within the next few days but she booked me in for an induction on Thursday the 4th anyway. Nathan frowned when she told us we had to be at the hospital at 7am on that day.

I have been cramping ever since and I think what was left of my mucus plug appeared when we got home. The best part of today was getting a pizza after the hospital (Nathan seemed very happy with the outcome of my internal) and having our blinds finally fitted. The house looks completely different and it really cheered me up.

Nathan also helped me with the groceries and bill paying so I didnt have to push the trolley.

So now we are back to waiting for something to happen other than these niggly pains.

Bored

2009-05-28T00:50:00.000-07:00

All my life I have always tried to not be bored. My mum always got angry if I even dared hint that I was going to mention that I was bored. She would tell me if I couldnt think of anything to do, I could help her. Then she would reel off a list of chores I could help with...

Well this week I have actually been bored. BORED mum. There, I said it. I actually did go to mums house and help her out with some extra cleaning in my old bedroom, I was actually THAT bored.

I dusted the corners at home, put some boxes in the roof, mopped the floors and cleaned the toilets, bath and sink today.

The house looked beautiful and clean so I went outside and did some gardening. I weeded the plants we planted along the deck, pulled out the old tomato plants and planted some cacti in the pots until next summer and cleaned up the pile of shoes that grows every winter on our deck. (People at this house get too lazy to clean muddy shoes so get out another pair to wear next time, leaving the muddy pair on the deck)

I then packed all of the hospital bags I could into the boot of the car. I must remember to get them out if we end up going in someone elses car. I made up a container of dry dog food and a big bottle of water and sat them on the top of Cola's kennel so we can ask someone to call in and feed her when we are at the hospital.

After that I had a long hot shower and using a new razor tried to shave myself without being able to look. I figure any attempt is better than nothing. Luckily Nath wasnt home because usually I ask him to check for missed spots and it makes him feel uncomfortable. Suddenly I have gone from sexy girlfriend status to incubator status. Now I just get cuddles and belly rubs in bed.

So currently I am sitting in my pj's in our clean house, all my Uni artwork is sitting near the door finished and ready to be handed in, there are some hamburgers in the kitchen I am making for tea and the house is quiet all but the sound of the television keeping me from going insane. (Nathan is picking up a 'project car' from somewhere he scored for cheap...not really sure if I like this idea or not but he seems to be very excited)

Tomorrow I have to go for a doctors appointment to have my membrane sweep. So from now until then I will be hoping and praying that I go nto labour on my own, I don't want any assistance. It's just a thing of mine, cant explain it.

*The reason I am at home is because we cant really afford the petrol for me to go anywhere, nobody wants to come visit me because I have been in a foul mood, and Peanut has dropped so much that walking anywhere is nearly impossible.

Due Date 25th May

2009-05-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

Peanut, today is your due date.

You're not here!

Dumb Things I Did While Pregnant

2009-05-23T21:16:00.000-07:00

The Pumpkin Soup Wall

I was nesting so badly that after I cleaned the entire house I felt the need to start cooking. Nathans stepmum had a large pumpkin which she cut and gave to me so that I could make pumpkin soup. Having not made pumpkin soup before, I was very excited and nervous about making it because I didnt want to waste the lovely fresh pumpkin. I followed the recipe exactly and my pumpkin soup smelled delicious. I got out the wizz stick (barmix?) from the cupboard, mum and dad had given it to Nathan and I as a gift to puree food for the baby. I plugged it in, sat it in the soup mixture and turned it on. The force from the mix was that strong that the mixer flung upwards and sprayed a fine mist of pumpkin soup on the walls, bench, curtains and everything sitting on the bench. All I could do was laugh and start scrubbing the place.

Power Outage

Nathans sister and brother in law live just down the road from us. One night they called to ask if our power had gone out. I informed them that it hadnt but I looked outside to see if anyone elses had. The whole town was dark and there wasn't a light in sight. I let them know and they decided to call the power company to see what had happened. After I ended the phonecall Nathan asked me what made me think that all the town was out of power? He was standing at one end of the loungeroom and I was at the other. I walked over to where he was and looked out the window. All of the towns lights were on. I walked back to where I was and there was black. Nathan then realised where I was looking and turned the outside light on. I had been looking into the clothesline full of washing and couldnt see past it in the dark!

The Wrong Payday

I woke up the other morning and checked the bank acocunt online to see how much money we had been paid. When there was nothing there I got very angry, made a phonecall and demanded to know why we had received no money as I needed to do the groceries. The lady on the other end of the phone stated that no one gets their pay until tomorrow. I then asked her what day it was. It was Tuesday. We get paid Wednesday.

Forgot My Handbag

Yesterday I went out to pay some bills with Nathan. When we got to the shopping centre, (which is a fair drive from our house as we live in a rural area) I realised I had left my handbag at home and had instead brought Nathans jumper with me!

Pregnancy Hormones

2009-05-21T02:58:00.000-07:00

Today I was pulling the washing out of the basket to hang and just as I went to place something on the clothes airer I spotted a red splat on the floor. I looked at it carefully and turned around to find a few more, it looked like blood.

I looked over towards the dog thinking she must be on heat or cut herself, but she was fast asleep and nowhere near the blood. I followed the trail to the laundry where I had just came from and realised it was coming off my foot. I checked my foot for any cuts, but there were none. I was very confused at this point.

I walked into the laundry and there was a huge red puddle seeping along the laundry floor. I didnt remember murdering anyone so I went into the laundry for a better look.

Then it hit me.

I had been getting the washing out of the machine and had knocked over a tin of RED ENAMEL PAINT I had stashed in the laundry and obviously didnt place the lid on properly. It had covered my favourite ugg boots, Jordons shoes, some socks and newspapers. As I had already had a bady day (I nearly t-boned someone in town who was trying to sneak through the lights) I sat on the floor and I CRIED. I absolutely bawled. I was so mad and upset and angry at my self for not packing away the paint properly.

The paint was sticky and shiny and wouldn't wipe up, I had to sit everything covered in paint on a pile of clean newspaper and cleaned the paint in the loungeroom. Luckily this came off with a sponge. I rang mum to ask about what to clean the laundry tiles with, but my dad answered, panicked when I was crying and handed mum the phone thinking I was in labour. When mum answered all I could get out was,

'I s-s-spilt-enamel-paint!'

'WHAT?' She asked

'PAINT!!! ENAMEL'

'WHAT?'

'ENAMEL. E-N-A-M-E-L'

'I'm on my way.'

Mum and dad thought I was in labour and I couldnt get the message across as they panicked so I called Nathan. Luckily he could understand my sobs and came home from playing golf to help me clean up. He found me in a sobbing mess on the floor, gave me a quick kiss and a cuddle, grabbed the turps and an old tea towel and cleaned up all the red paint from the floor, then ran a bath.

My hero.

Mum showed up just after the mess was cleaned and all of the paint covered items were thrown in a garbage bag. She looked at me, looked at Nathan and said,

'I think you're going to go into labour soon, you're too hormonal.'

ponderings

2009-05-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

Do you ever look at something you have looked at every single day and suddenly see something you haven't noticed was there the whole time?

Have you ever been in a foul mood and realised it is because your partner is unhappy and then you ask yourself why the fate of your happiness is in his hands?

Do you ever stop what you are saying and realise how bossy you actually are and then not speak a word for the next 2 hours because you feel guilty?

Have you ever gotten excited when you received a text message from your partner, even though it isnt very raunchy or even interesting and feel grateful that he still has that effect on you?

Do you ever talk to yourself or your dog and wonder if anyone else in the universe can hear you, and if they cant hear you does that count as you saying anything at all?

Have you ever wanted something so badly you could burst but had to wait over 9 months to get it? (Yep...still waiting)

My Birth Plan

2009-05-12T04:17:00.000-07:00

My Birth Plan

At 1:30 in the afternoon I will receive a phonecall from the hospital telling me to prepare myself as my waters will break in 10 minutes and I will need to come into hospital shortly after. I will then prepare myself with towels and clean clothes and 10 minutes later my waters will break and labour will start. The hospital have also given me a magic pill to take when my labour starts which will instantly take away all the pain. There will be a stretch limo waiting for me outside my house complete with a bed and television to take me to the hospital. Nathan will follow in our car.

Once I arrive at the hospital Nathan and my favourite midwives will be waiting for me at the door. I will be placed in a comfy wheelchair and wheeled to the maternity unit. I will be placed in a birthing suite the size of my entire house, complete with stereo and surround sound television, jacuzzi, massage recliner and expensive creme-filled belgian chocolates on a large tray.

Nathan will be waited on with his own waiter bringing him whatever he likes to eat and drink while we pick a movie to watch during labour. Once we are watching a movie a maseusse will give me a massage as labour progresses and I become fully dilated. (which I cant feel of course)

Once our baby is ready to be born, I will push effortlessly and Nathan and the medical staff will be at the other end while baby is coming out. Baby will slide out easily and so will the placenta. We will bond with our baby while I am cleaned up and a minor tummy tuck is performed. Once I have had a tummy tuck, stretchmark removal and a shower and look like something resembling a supermodel, Nathan and I will be treated to fine food and a glass of bubbly while we call our friends and family and tell them the excellent news.

While we are staying at hospital we and our baby will be treated to massages, fancy gifts and some goodies to take home where a private maid has cleaned the house and prepared it for us and our baby. The maid is complimentary for 6 months after the birth and will prepare meals and clean the house for us as we bond with our baby. The hospital will also pay for Nathan to have the first 6 months off work.

Pleeeeeease Peanut

2009-05-11T02:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Peanut,

Please come today, actually you can come right now, I'm not doing anything so you are quite welcome. I love your little stretches but you know if you come out here you will have a lot more room to stretch in. Today I drove down to a friends house and got a carseat and pram from them for you. I spent the afternoon cleaning them and now they look fantastic and like new. I'm excited about putting the carseat in the car...then it will be waiting for you. Your room is ready and waiting for you as well. I have washed nearly everything and the house is all clean so we dont have to spend time cleaning once you are born. Please consider coming sometime in the next few days because I am really anxious to meet you!

Love Mummy

Closer

2009-05-10T03:35:00.000-07:00

Closer and closer and coser. A blood show yesterday in which I panicked....and last night a fair amount of cramps...Braxton Hicks I'm guessing, I couldnt talk when they happened and they didnt last very long...but tere were lots of them! This morning until now....nothing has happened!

Come on Peanut!

Just toying with you, mum

2009-05-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

I thought Peanut was on the way.

For the past 3 days I have had cramps in all sorts of strange places around my middle. I started to get excited. Everyone I asked said 'It's on the way.' Mum seemed to think it would be a week away. So this morning when I woke up with no cramps, I was dissappointed.

I hoped for the cramps to come back all day, but they haven't made an appearance yet.

Peanut was just toying with me.

Help when I need it most

2009-05-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

I went to do the groceries the other day, probably one of the last times during my pregnancy because I am really having trouble pushing a trolley and unpacking everything myself. Lately when I have gone out somewhere I have come home in a foul mood because someone is either rude to me, or I hurt myself. People really annoy me sometimes because they just dont seem to care. I have had everything from rude questions and comments to people running into me or not moving out of the way when I'm trying to get past. It always ruins any good experiences I have.

The other day however, I went to do my shopping and had the loveliest checkout chick who was also pregnant and chatted to me the whole time she packed my groceries. Then when I got to my car a man came over to me and offered to take my trolley away so I didn't have to push it back across the carpark. It really made my day. I then went to the public loo and the lady in front of me let me go first, mentioning that she had 'Been There'.

So even though I dont know who they are, I just want to thank the checkout chick and the man in the carpark and the lovely loo lady for making me feel a little more special than fat, because at the moment it can be the difference between me holding it together and breaking down in tears because 'I-f-feel-s-so-f-f-fat-and-yucky-at-the-moment!!!!!!!!!!!'

Wait Waiting Waited

2009-05-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Wait. I hate that word. Right now I have had enough of waiting. It is impossible to describe how sick of waiting I am and how excited I am about Peanut's arrival. To put it simply I have never waited for something with so much anticipation in my life! I had another vivid dream last night about having a baby, and breastfeeding which in my dream was relaxing. I guess its becasue I cant know what to expect as it will all be new for me. I wonder if anyone else feels the same?

Kicking Peanut

2009-03-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

Peanut kicks a lot.

People have started to notice, including the midwife who was kicked when she was checking my belly, and the sonographer who spent an hour and a half trying to do the scan measurements while Peanut thrashed about, being a pain in the bum. He even needed to get a second opinion from the supervisor who had to rephotograph everything. Apparently Peanut's kicking was 'incredible'. Nathan, Jordon and I didn't mind though, we got to watch Peanut for a little while longer.

We also looked between the legs.

Saw some legs, a bum, a white dot and thats about it. If its a girl, then everything is in order. If its a boy, where the freaking hell was your penis little man? I see nothing!!!

Anyway....

The kicking. It hurts. Is it meant to hurt?

Foot under the ribs hurts, slowly pushing it back out also hurts. Being able to breathe again is good but I'm noticing that lately breathing is getting hard. Apparently in a few weeks baby will drop down and I will be able to breathe and eat again.

Reflux I have that too.

My morning routine starts with Nathan getting out of bed, while signals Peanut to start kicking.

Good Morning Mummy! Are we getting up now?

Then I get up to go to the loo, more kicking.

I'll just help you empty your bladder mummy!

Then Nath and I have a cup of coffee together and get dressed.

I heard Daddy's voice!!! YAY!

Then no kicking until Nath has left for work. The kicking starts again.

Daddy is gone? Why is it so quiet mummy? TELL ME!

Kicking is soft until afternoon then starts very strongly again.

I'm bored! When is Daddy coming home? I think you must empty your bladder again for the 20th time today! I'll help you with that mummy!

When Nath gets home and speaks, the kicking is OFF THE SHOW

YAY! Daddy is back here!!!

More kicks until we go to bed, then the kicks stop.

Goodnight Mummy and Daddy.

I always wonder if Peanut can sense their Daddy being there in bed, when there is no voice?

Pregnancy Brain

2009-03-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Is this a myth or is it a real phenomenon?

Since about 16 weeks my brain has failed to function properly, casuing me to do the strangest things, and forget almost everything.

I drive somewhere and halfway there forget where I was going.

I forgot to buy some aurora credit and our power went out. (We have pay as you go)

I went to sell my camera at the art school and forgot to bring the manual so the lady who was going to buy it wouldn't take it without the manual.

I forgot which carpark and what floor my car was on in town, and it ended up costing me $9.00 because I walked around for so long looking for it.

I bought everything to make ham salad wraps, except the wraps.

In that same shopping trip I forgot toilet paper and we had run out. It's a 15 minute to the nearest shop here...and the loo paper is expensive compared to the supermarket.

This is just in the past week.

a 'Tanya' Belly or a 'Mark' Belly

2009-03-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

I went to visit my parents yesterday. We talked about a lot of things, the new paint job we have on the car, the baby, our dog...then Dad started to try to guess the gender of our baby by looking at my tummy.

'You're all gut, so it must be a boy.'

'I dunno...' Mum said, 'It's a very round tummy, it may be a girl.'

'Hmmm....go and get the photo albums out and we'll look at yours when you were pregnant with Tanya and Mark.'

Lucky parents got a girl then a boy, so they used them to compare.

Mum's baby belly with my brother was very pointy, and with mine was very round. Apparently this is true for a lot of babies. Mum's belly with my brother was so big that it didn't even look real!!! People say I have a big tummy already, mum used to get accused of thieving things from shops!

They decided that I have a 'Tanya' belly. So we'll see.

Perfect

2009-03-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Today is a beautiful Sunday Morning. My man has gone to play golf, there is a Missy Higgins concert on the TV and I am relaxing in my dressing gown. Our high view allows us to watch the town wake up, the highway is quiet with only the occasional car passing by. Every tree is still and Cola is sunning herself outside. I spent yesterday doing more spring cleaning (nearly there now, just need some sort of storage cupboard) so the house is spotless as well as the fridge and pantry stocked from my grocery trip. There is absolutely nothing I need to do right at this very second except relax and enjoy the warm sunshine.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

2009-03-03T12:31:00.000-08:00

Some people seem to think that we are really well off financially. You have stuff, so you must have money. Let me just get one thing straight, you either have stuff OR you have money, you can't have both. Some people don't have a lot, but they like to eat out and drink and spend. Some other people like to spend all of their money on things, so they feel they have something to show for it. That is us, I think. The only problem is that I was made redundant in October and we lost 1/3rd of our income. Oh we struggled. So when people think we have plenty of money, I like to picture myself punching them out. Seeing as though I am a lady, and a pregnant one at that I just let them know that we don't have as much money as they think.

That was my daily rant, okay, I'm over it now. I just got particularly peeved at a person who disclosed to me how perfect my life was. NOBODY has a perfect life, close, but not perfect.

Due to the financial situation, (which apparently every person in the world is experiencing now) Nathan and I have been tense. I wouldn't say we argue, but things are a lot more stressful when it comes to money. We are trying to handle things well, but there are a lot of ups and downs.

So yesterday when I was sitting on the kitchen floor crying because we didn't have enough money to pick up our car from the smash repairs, (we have to pay $300 excess and $200 repair because some of the damage was already on the car, it had been vandalised on every panel but that is a story for another day) I realised that if I want to stop stressing, I should get to work at using my noggin and coming up with a plan of attack for our finances. I sat for 2 hours writing and listing and thinking, and I finally came up with a plan of attack for our income, even having some leftover. When Nathan came home I was calm and happy and sat and discussed my plan with him. Being a male, he didn't say a lot but I could tell his head was ticking and he smiled and said 'Good.'

Ever since that moment, he has been in a really good mood and I'm feeling a lot calmer. So if you are stressing about your finances, sit and work out a plan because this helped us so much and now that I know where we stand, I know that things aren't that bad after all.

13 weeks or 84 days

2009-03-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

If I say we have 13 weeks to go, it starts to sound a lot closer. If I say 3 months to go, it sounds longer. But if I say 84 days to go? It damn well annoys me.

I'm past the point of being able to still live and act normally, and am quickly nearing the stage where I am starting to have to pee 20 times in a night, it takes me ages to get comfortable and I have to start helping myself off the couch. I cant eat properly, everything takes me twice as long to eat and I am left at the table alone to finish my dinner. I have no patience and feel like I dont get nearly enough sleep.

Something came out of my right breast when I was in the shower. I was grossed out for about 2 seconds, then I was over it. It's a good sign, right? I need whatever that yellow stuff is to feed my child firstly after they are born. I was told the other night that if I think labour will hurt, just wait until my breasts hurt for 2 weeks straight when I start feeding Peanut. Thanks for that Julie, I feel very positive now! It wont be that bad, will it!!??

Another strange thing I have noticed in this household is the way my dog has been behaving. She knows that a change is coming and I dont think she likes it. Everytime I give her a cuddle she sniffs my boobs (EWW!) and she has taken to wanting to shit in the baby's room.

The first time it happened she was inside and I could smell it, I thought she couldn't possibly have, she knows better and I had just let her outside to relieve herself. I walked around trying to sniff it out and nearly put it down to her needing to go and just making some smells. I then looked towards the children's bedrooms and said out loud 'You wouldn't dare...'

I checked the baby's room first and in the middle of the floor on the new mat there was a steaming pile. The first thing I did was burst into tears. I screamed and yelled and cried and brought her in to show her what I was angry about. I then proceeded to take her outside and scream some more. I was so angry. She knew she had done wrong as she whinged too. I sent her to her kennel and didnt look back at her.

When I came back inside I proceeded to shovel the crap up and then scrub the floor, dry reaching the whole time. I was home alone and there was no one available to help me. I scrubbed it with disinfectant and carpet cleaner and stain remover. I'm just glad the mat is brown, but I dont think it stained anyway.

I continued to cry because I was so upset so I rang Nathan.

'I-c-c-the-dog-oh-I-HATE-her-ohhhhhhhhh-she-she-she-shat!'
He answered with 'What? Slow down and tell me!'
'SHE SHAT IN THE BABY'S ROOM!!!'
'Ohh...where is she now?'
'In her kennel'
'Did you clean it up?'
'Yup'
'Oh darling don't worry about it...are you ok?'
'Yeah. I'm just SO MAD!'

He had a bit of a giggle and told me it would be ok and to calm down a bit.

The second time it happened was yesterday. Mum and Dad came to visit and look at my finished mural in Peanut's room and my half finished mural in Jordon's room. I had had the dog inside for most of the day, with all of he bedroom doors shut up. I wasn't taking any chances. I let her out every hour to relieve herself. When they came, I opened the doors to show them the bedrooms. After we had looked in both rooms, we went into my bedroom to upload some photos onto the computer off mums camera. I heard whinging and said 'Is that my dog?' I got up and walked out of the bedroom, the whinging was coming from the baby's room. I walked in and she was sniffing around the floor still whinging, then squatted. I screamed 'Nooo!!!' and grabbed her, pulling her out. I opened the door and sent her outside, yelling the whole time.

This was a close call, but why did she feel the need to do it again? She had never done it before, only once when she was a puppy. Dad said that she is just upset because something new is happening in that room and she doesn't know how to deal with it. But what has shitting there got to do with anything? Does it mean she is trying to mark her territory? Is she trying to stop what is happening? I don't really need this right now as I have just gone back to Uni and am trying to deal with my own prengnacy issues... I wish I could tell her what was going on, even though I'm about 98% sure she knows I'm pregnant, she can sense it. I wish I could just talk to her about it and explain that crapping in the bedroom only makes things worse, and makes me even angrier as I am trying to disinfect everything ready for baby to sleep in there!

The Baby Belly - Complete with Stretchmarks

2009-02-27T16:21:00.000-08:00

27 weeks

2009-02-26T22:45:00.000-08:00

Massive, yeah I know. Not sure why, have been told I'm so big I must be carrying twins...

Have also lost weight in the bum so that might make my belly look bigger. Sigh.

Very sick of people asking 'Any day now?' Actually, 87 days...

Old Wives Tales

2009-02-23T14:00:00.000-08:00

Congratulations!

You have a 39% chance of having a boy. And you have a 60% chance of having a girl.

And Here's Why...

*You are carrying the extra weight around the hips and bottom, so it's a girl.

*The hair on your legs is not growing any faster during your preganacy, so it's a girl.

*Girls are carried high. You are going to have a girl.

*Sleeping in a bed with your pillow to the north indicates that you will be having a boy.

*Your feet are not colder than they were before pregnancy. You are having a girl.

*You prefer the heel of a loaf of bread. You are having a boy.

*Dad-to-be hasn't been gaining weight along with Mom-to-be, so it will be a girl.

*The maternal grandmother doesn't have gray hair (dyed or natural), so a girl will be born.

*You had morning sickness early in pregnancy, so you are expecting a girl.

*You are looking particularly good during pregnancy. Therefore, it must be a boy, because girls steal their mother's looks.

*Your chest development has been quite dramatic during pregnancy. You should expect a girl.

*Since the sum of the mother's age at conception and the number of the month of conception is even, it will be a boy.

*A needle on a thread held over you belly moves from side-to-side, so it will be a girl.

*Your urine is a bright neon yellow color, so you will have a boy.

*You are craving sweets, which means that it is a girl.

*Your nose hasn't changed during pregnancy, which indicates a girl.

*You have been craving meats or cheeses, so it is a boy.

*Your baby's heart rate is 140 or more beats per minute, so it's a girl.

*You must have orange juice every day, so it's a girl.

*You are having headaches, so it's a boy.

*Your belly looks like a basketball, so it's a boy.

*You show them the palm of your hand, so it's a girl.

*You use the handle, so it's a boy.

http://www.childbirth.org/articles/boyorgirl.html

Just a bit of fun!!! I have been doing all the old wives tales, even asking people what they think we will be having by the shape of my belly! For my baby shower I made a calendar with the month of May and June and asked everyone to write their name on the date they think Peanut will arrive, the weight and gender. It was very interesting and there are dates picked from 2 weeks before the due date to 3 weeks behind. It will be fun to see who is the closest!!!

My Baby Shower and Baby Mural

2009-02-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

Playing games

Guests sat around the table outside, was a beautiful day!

Trying to dress the baby, wasnt very good at it!

Awww!!! Look at these cute things!

Look everyone!

Courtesy of my sisters in law, cousin in law and mother in law

Thanks Dad!

Unpacking the pressies...

Pressies in Peanut's room, so beautiful!

The Mural...not finished...this took 12 hours to paint!

Added a gold border last night, I really like it now!

PREPARATION

2009-02-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

Preparation is the key I am told.

I did not realise how many things I need for a baby, and how much advice I would receive, and how many times I would have my body touched! I have a pram, cradle, cot, bouncer, baby bath and walker. I have singlets, bibs, socks, mittens and a few growsuits. Apparently there is more to come at my baby shower. Creams...What creams to use?

I have had to clean out the spare bedroom with 2 years worth of crap and find a new home for the double bed so that I can start setting it up for baby. This alone took me 4 weeks. Where am I mean to put everything? There is a big pile of 'stuff' on our bedroom floor. I have baby-proofed the house and tested it on little neice, pretty good. She only got into the pantry becasue we havent got a door on it yet. (New house, no pantry door and no blinds yet)

I also have painted a huge mural on the wall of a scene from Winnie the Pooh, which I am immensely proud of. It took me 12 hours yesterday and all last night and today I have been stopping to stare at the wall as I walk past the room because I really like it. I also have to now paint one on Jordon's bedroom wall so he doesnt feel left out. Guess what he likes?

Pirates.

So this pirate scene will take me more than 12 hours...

I also made 70 baby shower invitations BY HAND and today I will be making food BY HAND for tomorrows baby shower. These invites were little booklets with little cartoons and jokes about baby, the invitation, a list of games that we will play, a list of things we already have for those wanting to bring a gift, and a picture of the star of the show from an ultrasound. They were very cute by I cursed myself for amking them all by hand. At least the games will be hosted by someone else! (I picked 5 lovely ladies to host a game each as they all wanted to host the shower)

I have been to the doctor numerous times, the physio for my back pain (which by the way, they were fantastic, found my hips were out of whack and after a few massages, they actually fixed them) and now I am no longer scared of blood tests as I sit here looking at my bruised arm. I have met my midwives and asked all the gross questions like 'What is this thick gunk coming out into my undies and why cant I get through a day without wearing a pad or 6?' They laugh at my blunt questions, but they told me to ask!

I have also read every baby book under the sun, I know what measurement the baby is meant to be at every week and how they should be developing, I also know how much weight I should have put on. It's funny because according to 'them', I have put on the exact amount of weight they say AND baby is measuring at exactly where it should be, and is now due on the original due date I worked out. So we are average.

There are also restrictions when pregnant, which I have mostly learnt from well-meaning friends and family, particularly at tea time at a fully packed restaurant,

'OH MY GOD TANYA!!! YOU CANT EAT THAT, YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!'

Oops. I release the offending item from my mouth and watch as the whole table erupts into an argument about whether I can eat it or not. I then eat it anyway and listen to them argue some more.

There are some funny ones, like not eating peanuts incase your baby has an allergy...I would think that not eating peanuts would cause the allergy as baby hasnt been exposed to them? Also not touching fertiliser or animal poo while pregnant. Who plays with animal poo????????

Lastly, I have heard every labour story ever told, from the easy, I-was-in-labour-for-1-hour-with-no-drugs, to the harder, I-was-in-labour-3-days-then-had-to-have-a-c-section-after-all-that-pain-and-I-am-having-no-more-babies tale. They all sound scary to me, but hey, women do this every single day so I'm not scared. I am actually more scred about being a good mother and delivering a healthy baby. I cant wait to go into labour, that means Peanut will finally be here and we can meet our new addition and also find out the gender.

So after all preparation, I can safely say that I am still terrified and not sure what I am in for.

Not to self; must buy camera batteries for 26 week photo and photos of baby's mural and baby shower. Must have evidence that my entire family on my dads side are actually coming.

Better

2009-02-14T18:34:00.002-08:00

Starting to feel better. I think the baby shower next week will help.

Still dont feel like writing anything substantial.

Blank

2009-02-13T03:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like dancing. Sometimes I feel like drawing or writing. Tonight I feel like crying. I know its pregnancy hormones, but I have been crying for an hour straight and I want to have a go at placing my feelings into descriptive words.

How I feel right now? Like I dont want to be pregnant.

I dont want to be steadily gaining weight, I dont want back pain and I dont want people to comment daily on how huge I am. I dont want to feel like crap one minute and bouncy the next minute. I dont want to nest, the house is spotless now. I dont want to get cranky at Nathan. I dont want to feel like being intimate and then stop halfway through because I changed my mind.

I dont want to feel lonely, worthless and isolated because I dont have a job and have no means of getting one. I dont want to have a baby and argue with Nathan or worse, break up. I'm just so scared. We dont do tired very well at all...and I've noticed lately Nathan doesnt do hormonal girlfriend very well either.

He is still very supportive, dont get me wrong. He giggles at me wetting myself, sympathises with my back pain, growls at me when I whinge too much and smiles when I jump from a strong kick. He felt Peanut kick for the first time this morning, I was over the moon.

This afternoon he went away for the whole weekend, I ate icecream and watched tv. All was good until I had a conversation with a friend and realised how upset and scared I really am. I cant look after a baby...I cant even look after myself some days. I'm terrified of childbirth, not for the pain but for all the risks. I'm terrified my child wont grow up to be happy or carefree.

I dont want to let Nathan down but it seems I have in every way. I lost my job and havent secured another, so he is the sole bread winner now and I HATE IT. There were days when I used to work and go to Uni and work again and go out on weekends. Now I stay at home, use Nathans pay to pay the bills and then sit at home because I feel too miserable to go anywhere. I let him go out because I feel he hasnt done anything wrong. Maybe I'm just punishing myself for nothing. No matter what I say, it doesnt come out right, he just gets angry and thinks I'm having a go at him for something. Or he tells me that the hormones will calm down and I'll feel ok again tomorrow. He's right, I know I will feel ok tomorrow. I also know that this feeling will return.

I just hope this is pregnancy and not the real me, because the real me is happy, chirpy and thankful for everything. The real me earns her own money and plans to again after Peanut is born. The real me wouldnt let things upset her, but would go out and try to fix everything. I have spent half my life trying to fix things for myself and for others. I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix all of Peanuts problems...and possibly some of Jordons too.

I feel so blank. Maybe tomorrow I will be a colour again.

Bushfires

2009-02-11T13:22:00.000-08:00

So over the weekend we didn't watch the news very often. We knew there were bushfires burning, but honestly? That is a normal for Australia. It wasn't until we turned on Sunrise monday morning that we realised what was really going on. I sat, huddled up on the couch watching the devastation on tv and just could not believe my eyes. So many houses lost, so many people dead and others looking for missing family. There are ways you can donate and I intend to pitch in. Tomorrow coles are donating money to the Red Cross appeal when you shop there and as it is my shopping day anyway, I'm shopping at Coles. It will be hectic and hellish but I will do it. I might go early to miss the crowds.

The donations are up to $49,000,000 from the Red Cross appeal and over $30,000,000 from businesses. It sounds like so much, but there are hospitals, vets surgeries, roads, fences, public buildings which need to be rebuilt along with homes. The banks are cutting their fees and have donated $1,000,000 each, which is fantastic. Even the Queen has made a donation. The website to go to is http://www.redcross.org.au/ for donations.

The part the makes my skin crawl is that the fires were deliberately lit...the forensics and police are doing everything they can to try to find the responsible people, I just hope it happens soon. People are also setting up fake charities for raising money, then keeping it themselves. That is disgusting behaviour, I cannot believe how people can be so selfish.

I honestly could not imagine losing my family, friends, house, car and pets in a bushfire. I feel so lucky right now to be where I am and in the situation I am, because I dont think I could handle the situation these brave people are in. There are so many stories of lives lost, people losing their children and losing their partners and neighbours.

Our house as a new house...Our sunny home and memories

Our house from the left hand side, verandah and feature wall

Our house from the top paddock and view of the left side of the town we overlook, the town is so peaceful and quiet in summer and full of smokey chimneys and lights in winter

The view of the right side of the town from our verandah...this was taken out the bedroom sliding door just where I am sitting at the computer...the view I am looking at right now. I couldn't imagine this view destroyed by fire and all of these houses, 3 of which are family...

I'm not going to post photos of the bushfires because they are too devastating and I'm guessing people have already seen a lot of them. I am just thankful for my own posessions and the life I am in and hope that the victims can start trying to rebuild their lives and find peace.

Peanut Pictures

2009-02-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

This is peanut at 14 weeks, I hadnt been able to upload the photos until recently so here they are...I also didn't get any from the 20 week scan.

Peanut's face...a little bit alien I think

I used this image on my baby shower invites....Peanut waved!

Peanut's pointy nose...apparently means he/she has a low chance of Downs Syndrome

Peanut chilling out upside down...wouldnt keep still!

Peanut sat still for about 10 seconds

Friends of the belly

2009-02-06T15:54:00.000-08:00

My nickname is 'Uptheduffty'

Dear Peanut

2009-02-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Peanut,

Today I was cleaning out your room and found a list where I had been writing important milestones or events which have happened while I have been pregnant with you. I realised that I was a little slack and stopped recording at 11 weeks...so I'm just going to start from the year you are born, 2009. I will keep notes for you for when you are older so you can read what happened in the year you were born.

Now I'm not one for odd numbers so I need you to be born on the 3rd of June. This means your birthday will be 03/06/09. That would be cool. You are actually measuring exactly at your due date which I was told is rare. Apparently you are average in every way, except for the amount of fetal movement. You have completely average measurements, an average heartbeat and an average body shape. I have put on an average amount of weight, excactly what the textbooks say I should have put on. (Don't tell anybody, but I have put on 6kg) The only thing that is not average about you is the amount of moving you are doing. The sonographer had so much trouble doing the ultrasound scan that he had to get a second sonographer to come and help. We were in there for an hour and a half. This also meant that I didnt get a colour ultrasound.

I would also like you to have an easy birth, so please let me know beforehand when you are coming and when you decide to arrive, arrive quickly! Make sure your head is down and you are relaxed. Please dont make mummy wait too long or the doctors will induce me. Please remember to cry loudly when you arrive so that the doctors know you are healthy...but dont think that is an excuse to cry constantly. Please smile at Daddy when you see him.

Mummy and Daddy are eagerly waiting your arrival, along with your half-brother Jordon. He is very impatient and wants you to be here now so he can spend time with you. We do not know if you are a boy or girl, but we know that you are very healthy and we have seen you through an ultrasound scan. You have a beautiful face and very cute nose!

Now we have about 16 weeks to go until we can see you, so please keep growing and we will keep waiting. I am decorating your room with Winnie the Pooh, I hope you like it!

Love Mummy

PREGNANCY!!!

2009-01-30T14:47:00.000-08:00

Stupid Questions/Comments When Pregnant:

*How pregnant are you?
I didn't know there was a scale of one to ten? I'd say 7

*Is Nathan the father?
No. I went to a celebrity sperm donor clinic...I'm having a mini Keith Urban

*Is the father going to stay with you?
No! He has done his job! Now he must procreate somewhere else

*Are you having twins?
No. are YOU having triplets?

*Is the baby kicking?
No, I just have a bad case of Tourettes Syndrome

*Wow...you must only be a few days away now!
Uh......No? (I was asked this by a rather large woman!)

*It must be so horrible for you in this heat?
No...actually I'd be crankier if Peanut was already here!

*Arent you too young?
I'm 21....I just celebrated becoming an ADULT in September

*Where is the baby going to sleep?
Out on the verandah in a box.
(Of course we are converting the spare room into a nursery!!!)

*Why on Earth would you breastfeed?
Because God gave me these built-in milk bottles for a reason!

*What do you think it is?
I reckon it's a baby

*You're carrying a 'girl shape' belly...
I wonder if I carry a girl shape belly when I'm not pregnant?

*You wont get any peace for 18 years (From my MUM)
No...but I will get a lot of happiness in that time...Or was I a bad child?

*Labour is the worst pain in the world...but its worth it!
Well you went back 3 more times....

*Wow, you've put on so much weight!
Gosh! Really? Anyone would think I was pregnant!
(To tell you the truth, I have only out on 4 kgs at 23 weeks)

*Look at your belly!
Look at your face!

*Is the father around?
No, this was the immaculate conception

*Was it an accident?
Oops...yes now I have to suffer the consequences!

(This is THE rudest question I have ever been asked. We discussed Peanut for 6 months, planned Peanut for 3 more months, then I went off the pill in July so by December we would start trying. To our surprise, we were pregnant by September!)

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY

2009-01-25T13:30:00.000-08:00

My favourite 'Australian' Photo...Summer, Family and Beer...

What does being Australian mean to me?

It means Hot, dry weather with minimum snow and celebrated rain.

It means gumtrees, eucalypt trees and bracken fern dotted across brown paddocks

It means travelling to other states without fear of abuse or religious conflict

It means saying sorry to the Aboriginal population

It means learning about Australian Art History

It means Captain Cook, Aboriginal people and Convicts

It means BBQ's, pavlova and cold beer

It means the beach, camping and fishing on weekends

It means Kangaroo, Blue Tongue Lizards, Koalas and Tassie Devils at your doorstep

It means 'Bush bashing' and 4 Wheel Driving

It means Kevin Rudd, Homeandaway and Sunrise

It means celebrating the feats of other countries

It means AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! OI! OI! OI!

EEK

2009-01-22T23:07:00.001-08:00

EEK I have ultrasound photos to post but our monthly usage is sky high and wont allow the upload........ooops

THE ENVIRONMENT!

2009-01-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

All we hear about these days is Climate change, and saving the environment. So it got me thinking as to what do we do to help our environment?

New houses here are built greener, so we have a few things that help with the environment, and are planning to add a few more things.

We haven't got a sewerage drain as we live too far from the main supply so our grey and blackwater goes into a septic tank (as with all country places) but instead of it having to be emptied every few years, it is filtered with a super-treat system and the water is sprinkled onto the paddock which is safe enough for animals. So even in the middle of summer here we have nice green paddocks (where the sprinkler can reach) and our neighbours are jealous as they have horses who need grass. (The neighbours arent very nice so we refuse to let them put horses in there, a friend is bringing her two horses up to live soon.)

We have a heatpump which uses very little power and keeps it cool in here when it gets too hot (which is only for 1 week a year in Tassie!) and in winter it cuts in when the temperature is too cold and warms up the room, then we switch it off overnight and have extra blankets. That means no heaters and no fireplaces. In winter we watch the other houses pump out smoke as we live up on the hill and look over the whole town.

We have downlights as well, there are 40 of them altogether and about 10 switches. This means that you switch on the lights wherever you are in the house rather than all on at once. The lights themselves are very small and dont use very much power at all. When you only have a few on at a time you use less than normal light globes, and if you have them all on at once the room is very bright and you only use a little more than normal light globes. We usually have the ones on over the dinng table if we are eating tea or watching tv so they dont shine on the tv.

We have tank water which comes from the sky onto the roof and into the tank, which doesnt cost anything and we only run out of water sometimes. (Then we buy a full tank of water for $100) It tastes better than town water!

We have also started growing our own vegetables. We have started growing peas, tomatoes, lettuce and some strawberries. The plants have flowered but havent fruited yet!

Our power is on 'pay as you go' so we have to buy the amount beforehand and are conscious of what we use.

Here is the view off our verandah, I'm glad we are helping to reduce our consumption, if only a little bit, because I would hate to spoil this view!

WAITING

2009-01-19T01:28:00.000-08:00

Waiting on peanut

Waiting on Fish

Waiting for Nath to come home

Nesting

2009-01-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

Nesting - a common behaviour of mothers-to-be. Apparently.

I never believed it, but guess what I have been doing? I thought it would come at a lot later stage, but as every other thing I have read about (sneezing and weeing yourself etc) I seem to have it happening to me now, at 21 weeks.

It started when my mums relatives were coming to visit from Finland. They dont often come to visit as the price of flights etc. arent really cheap (and who would want to fly for 12 hours straight anyway!!!???) so I wanted to clean up a little around the house. This cleaning started in the house, it became an obsession which eventually included gardening, painting and hanging things. I scrubbed and I moved items around. I yelled at everyone who wandered in with their shoes on. Nathan figured it was some weird pregnancy thing and left me alone.

Now it has progressed. I am now planning birthdays for the entire year, Christmas for this year, Easter and all the presents and cards in between. I have started handmade cards and presents and been searching the internet for ideas. I have my baby shower planned already and its not for another 5 weeks or so. I am heading out to a craft shop on Friday to pick up some things. I really dont know if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess the best thign is that I dont know the sex of the baby, otherwise I think their bedroom would be ready to go.

Today I weeded the garden and decided that I would buy some mulch for the plants I have planted. (Before I was pregnant, the garden was non-existent.) I've been told to relax, but honestly? I am enjoying it. It gives me purpose and gives Nathan a giggle when he finds me laying on my back painting under the kitchen cupboards.

I am anxious that it will progress further and I will feel the urge to vacuum the lawn or something!